


Lumberjack Cookies

by noxsoulmate



Series: Angel Cookies [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Has a Crush on Dean Winchester, Childhood Friends, Dad!Dean, Dean Has a Daughter, Dean Winchester Has a Sexuality Crisis, Dean Winchester's First Time With a Man, Drunk Driving, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Gay Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, M/M, Misunderstandings, OH MY GOD SO MUCH PINING, POV Dean Winchester, Pining, Protective Dean Winchester, Reunion Sex, Reunions, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Sexuality Crisis, Single Parent Dean, Straight Dean, Teacher Dean, Widower Dean, Writer Castiel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2019-02-08 19:01:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12870993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noxsoulmate/pseuds/noxsoulmate
Summary: “Cas is coming home. I just thought you should know.”It’s those words from his best friend, Cas’ brother Michael, that unleash memories and feelings Dean Winchester hasn’t confronted in years. The way they parted thirteen years ago was terrible, there’s no other way to phrase it. Dean knows Cas has every right to be angry at him, yet the cold attitude still hurts. The fact that the adorable, pudgy nerd he once knew has turned into this smoking hot man doesn’t make it any better. And as if his own sexuality crisis isn’t enough, Dean’s daughter Grace seems to have found a new friend in none other than the man that makes Dean question his entire life as he knows it.Dean’s PoV ofAngel Cookies.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to Dean's PoV of _Angel Cookies_ :D
> 
>  **If you've read _Angel Cookies_ before** please keep in mind that this is basically the same story only told from another perspective. Which means things like plot, conversations, etc. obviously won't change. I'm really hoping the fact that we see it all through another set of eyes will be enough so it won't be just a boring repetition - but if you have the feeling it is or if you think something is missing that you really wanted to know from Dean's PoV, please let me know :)
> 
>  **If you haven't read _Angel Cookies_ before** please let me know if something doesn't make sense for you. I'm trying my best here to write as if this is a fresh story, but it's harder than I thought ^^" of course, some major plot points won't be revealed until later, but you should at least understand the basics - so if you're stuck somewhere, please don't hesitate to ask anytime :)
> 
>  **Note about Stars Hollow as the setting:** Just like with _Angel Cookies_ please don’t worry, this will still not be a real crossover :) simply enjoy the quirky side characters – if you don’t know them you can always google search them to have an idea of what they look like, but it doesn't matter if you don't; if you do know them, I hope you'll enjoy meeting them again ^_^
> 
> And now finally: Enjoy the ~~suffering~~ falling in love of Dean Winchester ^_^

__

 

_A mind wants to forget, but a heart will always remember_

~ Bliss

 

The smell of fresh snow was lying heavy in the air, mixed with the fragrances of the ranch. Dean had always thought of it as a soothing combination. The feeling of home that was associated with this place was only intensified with the clean and earthy scent the newest layer of snow had left. Breathing in this air – especially at night – was usually able to calm him down.

Not tonight though.

Staring down at his phone, Dean tried to make any sense of the feelings battling inside of him. It didn’t seem rational, having such a strong reaction after the phone call from half an hour ago.

Still, here he was, outside in the cold, sitting on his front porch in the swing he’d installed for his daughter three summers ago. Contemplating. Thinking. He should be inside, making sure Grace was really asleep instead of taking advantage of him being outside to sneak some extra reading time.

_“Cas is coming home. I just thought you should know.”_

Michael’s comment had sounded so innocent, and looking back, Dean was pretty sure he’d been able to sound convincing when he’d thanked his friend and then played it all down. Actually, there hadn’t really been anything to play down. At that moment, it really had been alright.

So Cas was coming home.

That was great, no big deal.

Until Dean had hung up and really let the information sink in.

Cas was coming home.

He would be back in Stars Hollow in just a few hours.

After thirteen years.

After …

_Devastated blue eyes._

_Quivering lips._

_“Dean, please … please don’t do it!”_

Taking a deep breath, Dean tried not to remember that moment all too closely. Then again, he hadn’t thought about it in a long time. He thought about Cas now and then, thought about how he was doing and what had become of him. If he was happy. But it was never much, only little stray thoughts. Now, with Michael calling just to let him know that his little brother was coming back to Stars Hollow for the first time in thirteen years … it seemed to have opened a floodgate.

More shreds of memories came floating back and Dean realized: the longer he sat here, the deeper he would drown in them.

Getting up, Dean put the phone into his jeans pocket and went back inside, quietly closing the door just in case Grace was already asleep. Seeing the faint glow of light from under her door, however, told him that it wasn’t the case. Grinning, he took off his boots and hung up his jacket before tiptoeing over to the hallway and to Gracie’s room, not bothering with any light. He listened for a moment, before suddenly opening the door.

“Gotcha!”

His daughter nearly dropped the book resting against her bent knees, the flashlight in her right hand falling on her bed, her first reflex obviously being to shut off the light and any evidence. “Dad … it’s not –”

“Please don’t say ‘it’s not what it looks like’. You’re way too young to say that.”

“Huh?” Grace replied, sounding confused.

Dean flinched, thankful that the room was completely dark. And that with her twelve years, Gracie apparently still didn’t get all the ambiguous jokes. Thank God. “Forget I said that. Shouldn’t you be asleep, young lady?”

“But … Daaaaad …”

“How many more pages?” Dean asked, sighing deeply. Was he the only father in the world not immune to his daughter arguing like this? The room might be dark, but it wasn’t as if this was the first time they had this conversation. Dean knew exactly what Gracie’s face looked like in this moment. This moment when she pulled out her _But Daaaaad_ -card.

“Three?” Grace replied, her voice turning hopeful. It had long since become a tradition between them that Gracie would be allowed to finish up to the next chapter break. After all, Dean wasn’t unreasonable. He was a bookworm himself and he knew how terrible it was to leave a story in the middle of a scene. However, chapter breaks didn’t always guarantee reasonable breaks.

“Are we at a scene where a cliffhanger might happen?”

“Nooo ...”

Dean sighed again, and Gracie probably knew she’d already won. “Three pages, no more.”

“Yay!”

“I’m going to the bathroom now, and when I come back –”

“I know, thank you, Daddy.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he replied, switching on the lights in his daughter’s room. “And put away that flashlight. It’s only hurting your eyes.”

Gracie complied, switching off the torch and putting it aside. Her nose was already back in her book before Dean had even turned around.

He took his time instead of rushing through his nightly routine as he usually did if only to give Grace some more minutes to read. Washing his face with cold water, Dean finally looked at himself in the mirror, tracing the droplets with his gaze before staring into his own eyes.

“Get it together, Winchester. Cas coming back is a good thing. Be happy for Chuck and for Michael. Your best friend is happy to have his brother back.”

Best friend …

Cas used to be his friend as well before … well, before it had all turned weird somehow and then even weirder and –

Realizing that his thoughts were spinning once more, Dean dried his face and finally left the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Immediately, he heard a book being closed and put away and then the rustle of blankets. Just as he turned around the open doorway, Grace closed her eyes and lay completely still.

“You know, this would be way more believable if your light had been switched off as well.”

One eye cracked open and his daughter grinned cheekily at him. “But I know you were going to do it anyway.”

Rolling his eyes, Dean stepped up to the bed and gave his daughter a kiss on her forehead, letting himself be hugged. There was no use in admonishing her for being just as cheeky as her old man.

“Sweet dreams, Pumpkin.”

“You too, Daddy. Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Switching off the lights on his way out, Dean made his way over to his bedroom. Kissing his fingers, he pressed them to one of the framed pictures on the bedside stand. “Good night, Lis,” he whispered, sitting down on the bed and switching off his own lights as well. “Wherever you are.”

When he lay down and let the silence engulf him, it took all of two minutes for the first memories of Cas to come back to the surface. Groaning, Dean settled in for a long, sleepless night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for the opening of the Stars Hollow Winter Fair - and a certain first meeting after thirteen years ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy about all the positive response I've gotten so far :D thank you all so much <3  
> Now let's start with the real fun ;)

_Sometimes it's easy to forget how much you miss people until you see them again_

~ Colleen Hoover

 

It was just after half past five in the morning by the time Dean gave up. Somewhere along the night, his memories of Cas had turned into dreams, letting him relive various states of their friendship. While some of them – most of them, actually – were great and made him smile, giving him a content feeling in his sleep, there was the occasional one that made him toss and turn, waking him up every so often. For about half an hour, he’d tried to fall back asleep after an especially unpleasant memory. Or did that count as a nightmare? It certainly had been more than awkward when a wide-eyed young Cas had caught him with some random chick behind the bleachers. Weird, he didn’t even remember her name, but he certainly remembered how red in the face the eight-year-old boy had gotten before turning around and running away. Dean had been sixteen back then and the girl certainly hadn’t been the first. But it had been the first time he’d stopped and told her they would continue this later. He’d gone after Cas, but the boy was already gone and by the time he saw him next, there was always someone else with them so Dean had felt weird about bringing it up. Somehow, it had just petered out.

Groaning, Dean swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat there for a moment. He hadn’t thought about Cas that much in ages.

Why the hell was his homecoming confusing Dean so much?

Getting up and making his way to the kitchen to start a pot of black tea, Dean pondered that question. While he let the tea steep, he went back to the bathroom and quickly got ready. His shower could wait, he would need it later to warm up anyway. By the time he poured two cups of tea, one black for himself, one with three cubes of rock sugar, Dean had decided on a plausible answer: They had parted in such a terrible way, and Dean knew Cas must have hated him for that. He probably still did, although Dean couldn’t know for sure. Asking Michael about it somehow didn’t feel right, so Dean had no other option but to wait and see.

It made him feel antsy and out of sorts. Dean Winchester was simply not made for not looking ahead. He was a person that loved structure and being in control – always had to be with a younger brother he’d raised and now taking care of his daughter; not to forget the classrooms of pubescent maniacs. One couldn’t survive in there without a clear plan; without knowing what all could go wrong and be prepared for it anyway.

But with Cas?

He simply had no idea what all could happen and his brain probably tried to play over all the possible scenarios as to how Cas would react to seeing him again. He needed a plan for every single one of them – and _that’s_ why his brain wouldn’t let him rest.

Simple as that.

Picking up the sweetened tea once it was cool enough to drink, Dean made his way to his daughter’s room and entered quietly. He put it on her nightstand before brushing her wild hair out of her eyes as he leaned down to give her a sweet kiss. The moment his lips touched her forehead, she stirred, one bleary eye cracking open.

“Morning, Pumpkin. It’s still early, but I’m going for a ride.”

“‘kay,” Gracie mumbled in return, eye falling shut. “Tea?”

“Here,” Dean said, picking up the mug and handing it to her outstretched hand. “Open your eyes, Sweetie.”

“‘kay,” Gracie mumbled once more, forcing her eyes open as she sat up just enough to comfortably drink her tea. Dean left her to it, knowing she would fall back asleep the moment she was finished. Contrary to him, his daughter had the ability to wake up a thousand times in the morning and always go back to sleep right away. She loved nothing more but to be woken by him when he was up earlier than needed, knowing full well she had a few more hours or even just a few more minutes before she had to get up. He knew when he woke her later she would wear a content smile.

Meanwhile, his head was still going a mile a minute, all thoughts focused on everything _Cas_ whenever he wasn’t keeping himself busy with other tasks.

An early morning ride to clear his mind was certainly in order.

Putting on his winter gear, Dean got out into the cold, enjoying the quiet that surrounded him. The lights in the main house were out, telling him that Bobby was still asleep, but the motion sensors in the ranch yard jumped into action once he made his way over to the stables.

Getting his beautiful black quarter horse Cherry ready for their ride was such a practiced movement, Dean could probably do it in his sleep. Once he was back outside with her, she was antsy to move right away.

“Stay calm. Good girl.”

After mounting her, Dean took a moment to close his eyes and to take a deep breath, just enjoying the moment. It was early morning in winter, and yet the first birds could be heard. One single car passed by in the distance but it wasn’t enough to disturb Dean’s serene moment.

With a single click of his tongue, Cherry was moving and Dean left all his troubled thoughts on the ranch as he let her fly through the winter wonderland.

 

~*~

 

Teaching that day was hell. Dean chalked it up to the prospect of the Winter Fair starting tonight, or maybe just general Christmas atmosphere craziness, but his students were antsier than usual and hardly listened to a word he said. It could also have been his own mood that let to him not being as in control of his classrooms as usual. Whatever it was, it didn’t help Dean’s own jitters and he was happy when school was finally over. Deciding that in this state, he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on any of his papers anyway, Dean quickly packed up and was able to intercept Gracie before she would get to Luke’s to sit down and wait for him in the diner. It was a good thing after all, leaving them enough time for a relaxed late lunch with the family and not having to rush to get Grace to the last ballet rehearsal before the big show tonight. The thought of his little baby girl being able to dance again ... Dean wasn't going to lie, it made him tear up and lightened his heart at the same time. After the terrible accident this summer, after seeing his baby so broken, after almost losing her –

Dean shook his head while he helped Gracie get her things ready. He tried not to think about it anymore. It still gave him nightmares, no need to think about it in his waking hours. Gracie was fine now, healthy and kicking. While she still had some issues now and then, like with standing too long or too much exercise, she was fine most of the time.

Dean thanked God every single day for having every guardian angel in Heaven watching over her that day.

Once he'd dropped her off at Miss Patty's dance studio, Dean made his way over to the town square to see if there were a few last minute things that needed to be taken care of. He ended up helping Kirk with the stage decoration, Taylor Doose running around with his checklists and driving them all crazy. As was so often with these things, no matter how early preparation started, there was always last minute shit that went wrong or was missing.

“Ah, Dean, good thing you’re here,” he heard Taylor call out after he’d already been there for at least an hour. Looking up in confusion, Dean could hardly suppress his laughter when he saw Sam standing in front of Taylor, the most annoyed bitch face in full power.

“Seriously, Taylor?” Sam pressed out. “All these years and you still confuse me for my brother? I even _worked_ for you for _ages_.”

“Uhh, yeah. Sure … well, anyway, would you help with the soda machine? It appears to be broken.”

Sam only rolled his eyes and then moved over to the booth that sold refreshments. Once he was gone, Dean turned back around to finish up with the fairy lights, chuckling to himself. Neither of the brothers had ever thought they looked much alike. At least not to the degree that one could be mistaken for the other. Yet Sam learned the hard way that most citizens of Stars Hollow didn’t care. Dean had been the older and the louder of the two of them, and most people had known his name by the time he’d been a young teenager. So when quiet, studious Sam had started to get more involved in the town’s activities, he’d most often only been “Dean’s brother”. To some, he’d even only been “Dean”, for whatever reason.

To this day, Dean believed it was the reason Sam started wearing his hair long – a clear difference to Dean’s short cut. Well, seemed it didn’t help with Taylor.

Finishing up on the stage, Dean made his way over to the refreshment booth.

“Hey there, _Dean_.”

His grin only turned wider when his brother threw him a withering glare.

“You got a kick out of that, didn’t you?”

“Noooooo, of course not.”

“You’re such a Jerk.”

“And you’re a Bitch. And a _Dean_ , apparently. Wear that name with honor, it’s a good one.”

Either Sam had no real comeback or he was just so over the topic he simply wanted it to end. He said nothing and just turned back to the soda machine to fix it up.

Showing mercy for once, Dean changed the topic. “Hey, I’m gonna go save us some seats. You know if Eileen’s still bringing her friend?”

“No, Lillian had to cancel. It’s just the two of us, you, and Bobby.”

“Okay. See you later … _Dean_.”

“Oh, go eff yourself.”

Instead of replying, Dean let out a bark of laughter and made his way over to the chairs.

 

~*~

 

It was always fascinating how quickly time flew by whenever there were little things that still needed to be taken care of. Maybe just as fascinating as how they always ended up being taken care of just in time. Dean was finishing with setting up a fake snowman as part of the set decoration when Miss Patty made her way over to the “backstage area” – not that there really was one – surrounded by excited little girls in tutus and thick winter jackets.

“Dad!”

Dean smiled at Gracie, and after checking the stage to make sure everything was set he hopped down and went over to the group of giggling girls.

“Hey, Pumpkin. Ready for the big show?”

“Yes,” Gracie replied with a huge grin, winding her arms around his torso and burying her nose in his thick pullover. “But it’s still so long.”

“Just fifteen minutes. Are you cold?” When Gracie shook her head but still kept her nose buried in his warm chest, Dean looked over to Miss Patty. “Why are you here so early? Won’t the girls get cold?”

“Oh, don’t worry, boy,” Miss Patty replied, making Dean almost roll his eyes. No matter how old he would get, for Patricia LaCosta he would always be a boy. “They’re all so excited, they don’t even feel the cold.”

Not good enough reasoning in Dean's book, but it wasn’t as if any of the hyped kids would listen to him should he tell them to go back inside to stay warm. So all he did was to keep Grace in his arms. When she still wouldn’t let go after a few minutes, Dean pressed her closer and whispered in her hair so none of her friends would listen in.

“You okay?”

Gracie only nodded into his chest, which wasn’t all that convincing. Since he was sure she wasn’t cold, there was only one other guess Dean had.

“Are you nervous?” A shrug of her shoulders made Dean go on. “About the show? Or the dancing?”

His daughter’s reply wasn’t much more than a mumble, but Dean knew her well enough to grasp the answer. Pulling her even closer, he pressed a kiss to her hair, before whispering again. “You will do great, Pumpkin. You fought so hard to be back here and I am so, _so_ proud of you.” He pressed another kiss to her head before cradling her face in his hands to make his baby girl look at him. “It doesn’t matter if you take a wrong step or not. The fact that you’ll be dancing at all is already amazing.” A small smile formed on her lips and Dean smiled with her. “Just go up there and dance. Don’t think about anything else. It’s all about having fun, remember?”

Finally, Gracie nodded and hugged him close once more. “Love you, Daddy.”

“I love you too, Sweetie,” he replied. “But I should probably make sure Uncle Sammy is handling the camera right –”

“Dad, you know Uncle Sam is way better with technology than you are.”

For that, Gracie earned herself a poke in the shoulder which only made her chuckle. “Ouch. Thanks for the confidence boost, Munchkin. Anyway, I should get going. You okay now?”

“Yes,” she replied without hesitation, her smile wide and earnest.

Ever the concerned father, Dean still had to make sure. “Yeah?”

“Yes, Dad. I’m fine, promise.”

“Good.”

With one last kiss for Gracie and a wave to the other girls, Dean finally left the backstage area and made his way over to the seats in the first row he’d saved earlier. The other three were already taken, his thick coat settled on the last free chair. Picking it up, he pulled it on before leaning down to great Eileen with a kiss on her cheek and a quick hug.

“We were already wondering how you didn’t freeze up there,” his sister-in-law told him with a scolding tone, reaching out to correct his lapel and patting him on the chest when it was all set. “It’s not like you were working so hard that it was keeping you warm.”

“Meh,” Dean replied. “It wasn’t too bad. And I needed something to save the seats.” However, he had to admit he was quite glad to be back in his coat. Clapping Bobby on his shoulder in greeting, he sat down on Sam’s other side, settling in to wait for Taylor’s speech.

The collective murmur suddenly rising startled Dean back to attention. Looking around, he tried to catch some scraps of conversations while searching for the cause of the turmoil. Over the sea of heads he couldn’t see it right away, but soon enough, his eyes fell on the one person Dean hadn’t seen in almost thirteen years.

Castiel Shurley.

He was out of his line of sight too quick for Dean to really take him in fully, and all Dean really noticed during these few seconds was the stoic face Cas was keeping the whole way.

And the lovely woman walking by his side.

So Cas had found someone?

That … that was good. Yeah, it really … it was nice. Nice to know his friend wasn’t alone. Wasn’t –

“Welcome, all my friends of Stars Hollow,” the voice of Taylor Doose boomed through the microphone, interrupting Dean’s thoughts and making him wince before he turned his focus back towards the stage. “On this fine Friday evening, we’re opening this year’s Stars Hollow Winter Fair. I know it’s a bit earlier than previous years, but you’ll see that it will do the town good to have this here for the whole of December!”

As was to be expected, some murmur started up all around, and even Dean only just stopped himself from groaning and rolling his eyes. He couldn’t even remember how many times they’d discussed the length of the Winter Fair during the town meetings. Personally, he had no issue with it – but that didn’t mean he had to support Taylor in all his decisions. So he’d mostly kept out of it, suffering through all the pro and con charts people had felt the need to draw up every other week, with the result being exactly what Taylor wanted. Just like always.  
“As you should already know, we have lots of events planned for this month, all of which you can find in our brochure –”  
“We know, Taylor,” Dean could hear Luke yell from somewhere, directly followed by a more excited Babette calling, “Yeah, get on with the program.”

Throwing a sideways glance at Sam, they both barely hid their snickers. Everybody knew how much Taylor annoyed Luke Danes with everything he did. It was always fun to see how long it took before Luke exploded. And just like always, Taylor ignored the man and all the rest of them and went right on. Groaning for real, Dean settled back in his chair, trying not to fall asleep until Gracie would enter the stage. That was until he saw the little red light on Sam’s fancy camera blink.

“Are you recording this?”

“Shhh,” Sam replied, making sure he held his hand still.

Rolling his eyes, Dean sat up straight again, turning towards Sam. “You kidding, right? Why the heck are you filming Taylor’s speech?”

“Dean, shush!”

“I’m pretty sure this is not what Jo and Charlie meant when they said, ‘please film the opening for –’”

That’s as far as he got before the words were suddenly stuck in his throat, all breath leaving him. While he had whispered to Sam, his eyes had wandered back a few rows and had landed on familiar dark and unruly hair, making him stop in his tracks. The moment blue eyes landed on him, time froze.

It was a complete cliché.

And completely weird, seeing how Cas wasn’t some kind of love interest in a cringe-worthy romcom or a terrible telenovela but a long–lost friend.

But it was the only way Dean could describe what was happening here. He forgot he’d even argued with Sam, nor did he hear any possible answer his brother was giving him. Cas’ gaze was burning into him, sending his heart racing even though it was over within the blink of an eye. Cas simply moved on and let his gaze wander further, giving not even a little indication that he’d recognized him.

_Maybe he just didn’t see me …_

Shaking his head, Dean got himself out of this bizarre moment. Why would it matter if Cas had seen him or not or if he’d chosen to ignore him? It didn’t.

Thankfully, Taylor was done at last and Miss Patty entered the stage, the girls all following her. Dean spotted his baby girl right away and after a moment of searching, Gracie found him as well. Sending her a huge smile before whistling and clapping even louder, Dean could see how the nervousness left her and some of the excitement she’d radiated the past few days finally came back. All the kids got into position and a moment later, _The Nutcracker_ began.

Dean held his breath whenever it was Grace's turn to dance, trying to take all her stress away from her and suffering himself vicariously. Knowing the routine and mostly his daughter so well, of course he could see all the little bits where she didn’t yet feel safe enough, where she was a bit more clumsy than she would have been before this summer.

It didn’t matter.

None of that mattered because his princess was amazing and Dean didn’t even try to pretend not to be tearing up. Especially not when Gracie took her final bow and the crowd jumped to their feet, going crazy with applause and cheers. Dean was so ecstatic, so thankful for this moment, for Gracie dancing again, and for how the people of Stars Hollow supported his little girl. He had no words for it, could only laugh and clap and cheer, not caring for the silent tears of happiness still leaking from his eyes. And when his baby girl ran off the stage and directly into his arms, he lifted her up and held her tight, whispering, “I’m so proud of you,” into her hair, and once again thanked God and her guardian angels.

 

~*~

 

They were mingling for a little bit afterwards, Dean just happy to see Gracie beam under all the attention and praise she got. They stuck around long enough for Bobby to leave them behind, already returning to the ranch. The old man always got antsy with so many people around. It wasn’t until Dean had already told his daughter that they would leave soon as well, that Gracie spotted the Shurley clan. She let out an excited squeal and took off towards them, already yelling, “Uncle Chuck!”  
“Heeey, little Gracie,” Chuck replied, letting the excited girl squeeze him while he hugged her back.

Chuck Shurley surely was the grandfather Gracie would have never had in John Winchester, which was why Dean was even more grateful for Michael’s father basically adopting them after Gracie had lost her mom. It stood to reason that he’d mostly adopted Dean to help him get over the loss of his wife four years ago, but either way, Gracie was now part of the Shurley clan in almost every way imaginable.

The picture of her hugging Chuck and their little talk about Gracie’s performance distracted Dean long enough to only realize the magnitude of this moment when he saw Michael and the other Shurley siblings. They waved in hello, but hardly took their eyes off a man that stood right in front of Dean, his back turned towards him. Dean knew who it was without asking, without even having to see his face, and right away, the deafening silence around them registered with Dean, making him stop in his tracks. His heart was speeding up again, without him fully understanding why.

“Dean, Sam,” Chuck called out, looking rather unfazed by all the held breaths around him. “So great to see you, boys. And Eileen, hello my love.”  
“Hello, Chuck, it’s nice to see you too,” Eileen replied, probably not noticing the somewhat awkward tenseness in the air.

Dean was about to reply as well, when Cas turned around, looking right at him.

He had changed. God, had he changed. And yet, somehow, not at all. He still had his messy dark hair, only now he seemed to wear it that way on purpose. His face, obviously, had lost the boyish features, all sharp angles and rough edges now – and still, it was the same face Dean remembered. But most of all, he remembered those eyes. Those deep blue, soul-searching eyes that he had never really forgotten.

Never wanted to forget.

They were still the same, only now, they looked darker, colder.

“Hello, Castiel,” Dean heard himself say, still caught in this intense gaze. How he had been able to sound so normal, he had no idea, for his heart was still racing and he didn’t seem to be able to calm it down.

“Mr. Winchester,” Cas replied with a slight nod of his head, bringing all of Dean’s thoughts to a screeching halt.

That voice … that voice had definitely changed. It was rough and dark, so totally fitting to this new person standing right in front of him.

And yet.

_Mr. Winchester._

Dean tried not to look hurt, thankful for his brother as he jumped in and greeted Cas as well, then introduced him to Eileen. All the while, Dean tried not to get whiplash from how fast his heart had gone from racing to heavy with the formal and cold way Cas had greeted him. After all, wasn’t this one of the possible scenarios he’d played out in his head? He’d known the possibility that Cas still hated him had been high, and now all that had happened was the confirmation of his fears.

No. No, not _fears_. _Suspicions_.

Yeah, suspicions was the right word.

His suspicions had been confirmed: Cas still hated him. It was to be expected, and now Dean at least knew for sure where he stood with Cas. Maybe he could work from there and see if he could mend some things.

He was so occupied with his own thoughts, he only barely registered as Cas started to sign along while he talked to Eileen, surprising Dean. Not enough though to completely pull him out of his musings.

“And my name is Castiel James now.”

Now _that_ statement was finally able to pull Dean out of his thoughts, even letting his head peek up a little. He watched as Cas first spelled out his new last name, and then showed Eileen his name sign. A sign often given to friends and family by deaf people so they wouldn’t always have to spell out their complete names. Did that mean Cas had a friend in the deaf community?

The sign itself was pretty simple and obvious: the hand movement for the color blue while Cas’ fingers showed the letter C.  
Dean had to agree with Eileen when she looked Cas in the eyes and nodded in understanding. “It fits you,” she stated, making Dean wish Cas would look back at him so he could see those blue eyes once more.

_Wait, what?_

“And the new last name?” Eileen went on. “Are you married?”  
Some weird feeling instantly spread inside of Dean, but it was gone the moment Cas replied with a nonchalant, “No,” not giving Dean a chance to examine and name the feeling. Most likely, he was just saddened that he didn’t know the answers to these questions about Cas’ life anymore. He really did miss his friend.  
“I took my aunt’s last name,” Cas went on explaining, turning around and nodding in the direction of the woman Dean had seen by his side earlier. “That’s Amara James, my father’s sister.”  
_Oh_ , Dean thought to himself, _so not his girlfriend. And not married._

If he had to name the feeling inside of him at that realization, he would say it was relief – even though it didn’t make sense in the slightest. Or did it? Maybe he was just relieved he hadn’t missed some huge milestones in his friend’s life.

Yeah, that was probably it.

Satisfied with this explanation, he still tried to follow the conversation while silently begging his daughter to get back to him. He wanted to leave, the cold shoulder Cas was giving him and all these weird ups and downs of his feelings beginning to gnaw at him. But Gracie was currently making the rounds within the Shurley clan, hugging and talking to all of them.

“I had many years to learn it,” Cas replied to something Eileen must have said and that Dean had completely missed. What he didn’t miss was the cute smile on Cas’ face.

_Wait, cute?_

Dean ignored his weird thoughts once again, focusing on what Cas had to say. “My best friend’s sister is deaf and the two of them lived with me for a while.”  
Ah, so apparently Eileen had complimented him on his ASL. From what Dean had grasped, it did look good. And it seemed he really did have a friend in the deaf community.

In the background, Dean saw his daughter finally move towards Michael, the last of the Shurleys. Eileen must have seen it as well, knowing that this meant Gracie would be done soon. “I’m looking forward to talking some more with you while you’re here,” she told Cas and Dean was pleased to see that Cas seemed honestly thrilled at the prospect.

“Same,” he replied, bringing their conversation to an end.

Here was Dean’s chance to talk with Cas some more instead of just standing around stupidly. His daughter was still busy talking to Michael, so Dean frantically searched for something to say.

Before he could, however, he saw Gabe step next to Cas, putting his arm around his brother but turning towards Eileen. “And you’ll have plenty of opportunities, Eileen dear. You guys are still on for Sunday dinner, right?”  
“Of course,” Sam replied before Dean could.  
“Great, we’ll see you there, then.”  
And before Dean knew what was happening, Gabriel was pulling his brother aside, away from the Winchesters and back into the semi-circle of the Shurley clan, leaving Dean to wonder if he’d really just been standing next to Cas for minutes on end and all they’d said to each other had been, “Hello, Castiel,” and “Mr. Winchester.”

“Bye, Uncle Michael. Bye, Uncle Gabe.”

Gracie’s calls were somewhat able to pull Dean back to the moment, just in time to open his arm as she pressed to his side, hugging him sideways so they could walk together towards the cars. Dean followed his brother and sister-in-law as if on autopilot, letting his daughter babble away happily.

“You okay, Dad?”

“What?” he asked, looking down into his daughter’s questioning eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, sure,” he assured her right away, hoping he hadn’t missed a question. “Just a bit tired, sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

It really wasn’t. He shouldn’t let seeing Cas again distract him to the point that he wasn’t listening to his daughter anymore.

Once they reached the cars, they hugged Sam and Eileen good night, talking quickly about their plans for the weekend. Sam had promised to take Gracie to tomorrow’s event at the fair, but they wouldn’t participate in the ice sculpting. Instead, Dean had promised they could practice once more for next week’s snowman contest – the only important event at the fair, in his eyes. Besides the ballet, of course. He loved that Gracie still wanted to team up with him, relished it for as long as it would stay this way. One day – that Dean hoped to be far, far in the future – she might think it “so not cool anymore” to do stuff like that with her old man. She would probably be joining with her best friend – or worse, with a _guy_. After all, Gracie was twelve now. How much longer until she would start being a real teenager, would wear makeup that was not meant for the stage, or stop letting him hug her in public?

Yeah, no. Dean didn’t even want to think about that. So being able to join the snowman contest together, just like they had done for seven years now, was certainly amazing.

Opening the passenger door for his daughter to climb in, he shortly admired the night blue Chevrolet Camaro right next to his Baby. While nothing would ever beat his classic ‘67 Chevy Impala, the newest model of this brand was certainly something to look at.

Dean closed the passenger door and moved to the back to throw Gracie’s bag in the trunk. Walking around to the driver’s side, Dean swore the moment he saw how close the car next to his side had parked.

“You gotta be kidding me,” he muttered under his breath, checking if maybe the car had scraped his Baby. He couldn’t see any scratches right away, but still took a look at the license plate. It didn’t sound familiar so he quickly took a picture with his phone, as well as one from how close the asshat had parked to him, just in case. And it wasn’t just that he was close, the car was also parked crooked, the tail end so close Dean had no chance to get to his door from this direction.

“Asshole,” he grumbled, moving back to the other side to walk around his car and get to his door from the front. He wasn’t paying attention for just a moment, too distracted by the brand new Chevy on one side and the fear that his Baby was scratched on the other side, that he was taken by surprise when a solid body ran into his. On instinct, he reached for the other person’s elbows to keep whoever it was steady. At the same moment a strong grip buried into the lapels of his coat, the force of this grip pulling him a tad forward and closer to the other person.

“Damn, sorry, I didn’t –” he started to say, the same moment a rough voice said, “I’m sorry –”  
They both broke off right away and a heartbeat later, Cas’ head whipped up and Dean was caught by mesmerizing blue eyes, unable to move even an inch.

_Are those actual white specks in his eyes or is that just a reflection?_

Before Dean could find an answer to this absolutely weird question – why was his head coming up with these thoughts today? – Cas all but ripped his hands away from Dean, as if the coat had just burned him. Dean didn’t want to let go. For some reason he wanted this moment to last a few heartbeats longer if only to find the answer to his damn question. But just a second later, his hands followed a silent command and let go of Cas’ elbows. The man stepped back hastily, giving him just enough room to step out of the space between the cars.

While Dean continued walking around the front and to his driver side, he watched as Cas hastily got into the night blue Chevy and was gone within seconds. So this beauty of a car belonged to his old friend. Well, at least the guy had taste.

And he clearly, oh so very clearly still hated Dean. If the cold shoulder from earlier hadn’t been enough to let Dean know, this encounter certainly had been.

Swallowing away the bitter taste in his mouth, Dean got into his Baby, glad to find Gracie buried with her nose in her book. Most likely, she hadn’t noticed the weird encounter.

Careful not to get too close to the shitty parked car next to him, Dean made sure to push all thoughts of Cas aside. Tonight was a night to celebrate Gracie being back on her feet – quite literally. He would have to face his old friend soon enough, so no reason to ruin this night with all the weird thoughts Cas’ presence had put into his mind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chance meeting in the early morning leaves Dean a bit restless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back :D
> 
> There will be a bit of Portuguese in this chapter - translations are added as "hover overs" and in the end note in case it's not working.
> 
> Have fun ^_^

_True friends are never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart_

~ Helen Keller

 

_“Mr. Winchester!”_

_The yell cut through the silence of the church, halting the whole wedding ceremony right away. The panicked voice was so familiar, Dean knew without a doubt who had been calling out for him._

_He lifted his head from where he was about to put a ring on Lisa’s finger and looked right into devastated blue eyes. Cas’ lips were quivering, and he appeared to be out of breath as if he’d run the whole way here._

_When their gazes locked, Cas took a hesitant step forward. “Dean, please … please don’t do it!”_

_Lisa’s grip on Dean’s hands intensified. Why?_

_Did he want to run to Cas? That didn't make any sense, so why did he have this urge?_

_And Lisa …_

_“Castiel … I’m sorry …”_

_The next moment, the boy was gone._

 

~*~

 

 

Dean woke up with a long-suffering groan. At least it wasn’t a startled “I just woke from a nightmare”-awakening. Turning towards his alarm, Dean saw that he'd made it through most of the night. It was after six in the morning and while he didn't need to be up this early on a weekend, he didn't see any chance of falling back asleep. Seemed like early morning rides would become a new ritual of his.

Not bothering with waking Gracie this time, Dean just left a note in her bathroom in case she actually got up early. Not that he could think of any miracle that would get his daughter out of bed before 10 am on a Saturday, but better to be safe than sorry.

Just like always, the cold early morning air was able to calm his thoughts. Maybe he should start sleeping outside for the duration of Cas' stay. Within minutes, Dean was leaving the ranch behind him and on his way towards the lake, one of his favorite areas. He usually tried to take another route during winter or at least while it was still dark. There were some tricky parts on this path, like the lake on one side, and for a short while also a slope that he had no desire to tumble down. Today though, he needed the scenery of his favorite path. Not that he could see all that much in the dark but that was neither here nor there. It was the old familiarity that he craved and here, he didn't feel like his thoughts were running a mile a minute. He was finally able to keep his mind occupied otherwise.

Like with the question if he should really gift Ruby's foal to Gracie. The horse would give birth around Christmas and Grace had begged to have it be hers ever since they’d found out Ruby was pregnant. Sure, it was a lovely thought, but it also meant a lot of responsibilities. Then again, maybe it would help Gracie get rid of the underlying fear Dean knew she still had. Not that it was keeping her away from the horses in general but the fact that, so far, she hadn't asked him to be allowed back in a saddle told him everything. Gracie had grown up on the back of a horse. After Lisa's death, they had moved to Bobby's ranch, and Gracie had spent as much time as possible riding, or hanging out in the stables or outside at the paddock.

It all had changed after her terrible accident, and while Dean hoped it would just take time, he also couldn't deny that maybe having her own foal would help her find her love for all this again.

Dean was so deep in thoughts, he only saw the shadowy movement when it was already too late. Cherry, however, reacted right away, neighing and even rearing up. Not enough to throw him off – Dean was too experienced a rider for that – but it still made his stomach drop for a moment.

“Whoa, whoa, calm down, Cherry,” he soothed her, patting her neck once he had her under control again. “What’s wrong baby?”

It was probably a stupid question since he’d seen the shadowy movement and knew it must have been what had startled her. But at least his voice was usually able to calm her down.

He certainly hadn’t expected to get a reply.

“Sorry, Mr. Winchester,” Cas’ rough voice cut through the darkness. “That was my fault.”

Had he been thinking so much of Cas that he had summoned him? Or worse, was he only imagining his voice?

“Cas?”

He simply had to make sure he wasn’t going crazy here.  
“Yeah,” came the reply right away. “Sorry, I forgot to bring a light. Didn’t think someone would be up this early.”  
Neither had Dean and he berated himself for letting Cherry gallop like this when he couldn’t even really see what was in front of him.

Shit, fuck.  
“You okay?” he asked, hoping the panic wasn’t too apparent in his voice, even though there was no way to keep his concern out of it. Because fuck, what if he had hurt Cas? “Did you get hurt?”  
“I’m fine, sorry again.”

Instantly, relief washed over him. Before he could reply, however, he heard the crunching of snow under shoes, the shadowy figure quickly moving away from him.

And just like that, all his thoughts were back on Cas again.

 

~*~

 

After taking the long route home in the hopes to clear his head once more, Dean still got home with plenty of time to spare before a certain scheduled Skype call would come in. He took a little extra care of Cherry, then went inside and booted up his laptop before doing anything else. The burning hot shower already helped a lot, and when he got into the kitchen and started puttering about, he was finally able to calm himself down. It was the little things like preparing their teas, or putting together ingredients for their breakfast later on, that helped him out of his mulling over the encounter with Cas.

Just as he got back from bringing Gracie her morning tea, a ring on his laptop let him know that he had an incoming call. Quickly fetching his own tea, he sat down and accepted the call, smiling when the video popped up.

“Now look at you, looking awesome like that. You should travel more often, it’s doing you some good.”

“ _Obrigada,_ ” Charlie replied, grinning like a Cheshire cat. “That’s Portuguese and means thanks.”

“Yeah, _obrigado_ right back at you,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. “You do remember I helped you prepare for this trip and learned some vocab in the process, right?”

“ _Sim._ ”

This time, it was Jo’s turn to roll her eyes while she slightly pushed against Charlie to get more space in front of the camera. “How’s everything back home?”

“Yeah, how is it? Everybody still _vivo_?”

“Charlie, I don’t think they've died within three days of us leaving.”

“Why not?” Charlie answered, looking affronted. “Maybe my theory is true and they can’t survive without us.”

For a moment, nobody said anything, Jo just looking intently at Charlie, before smirking at last and asking: “What, a whole sentence without a Portuguese word?”

Charlie glared back at her before suddenly turning on a sugar sweet grin, whispering, “ _Docinho, eu quero chupar você._ ”

“Charlie!” Jo yelled, actually clapping her hand over her wife’s mouth.

Meanwhile, Dean was sitting on his couch, sipping his tea, and grinning about the antics of his friends.

Three days and he already missed them.

After a moment, he cleared his throat and leaned slightly forward. “Should I leave you two alone?”

“No,” came Jo’s reply instantly, her hand still making sure Charlie couldn’t say a word. “Tell us about the opening. Sam sent us a link to the video last night. Looks like Gracie was amazing.”

“ _Surpreendente!_ ” Charlie pressed out, just barely being able to keep Jo’s hand from her mouth. “ _Fabuloso!_ ”

“Charlie, will you just _cale-se_!”

Ignoring Charlie, Dean spoke to Jo as if his crazy friend wasn’t even in the picture. “Yeah, she was awesome. I’m so proud of her.”

“I guess she was a bit nervous?”

“A lot, actually,” Dean admitted. “But she pushed through that and it was great.”

“It must have been amazing for her how everybody supported her,” Charlie spoke up, apparently finally calming down her crazy just a tad.

Dean nodded. “Glowed like a shooting star.”

“She still asleep now?”

“It’s shortly after ten on a Saturday, what do you think?” he replied with a grin. As if on cue, a door down the hallway opened. The shuffle of socked feet was heard and a moment later, a sleepy Grace appeared in the living room, hair still wild and a blanket pulled around her shoulders. She let herself fall onto the couch, snuggling up against Dean while waving at the screen.

“Hey Auntie Jo, morning Auntie Charlie.”

“ _Bom dia, filhota._ ”

“Ohhh, Portuguese, right?”

“ _Sim._ ”

“How is Portugal?”

Thankfully, Charlie decided to gush about the country in English, letting Jo join in now and then. Not interrupting the three ladies, Dean enjoyed the rest of his morning tea, hugging Gracie close to his side. Soon enough, the conversation turned back to the ballet and Gracie’s performance. Dean was beaming like the proud father he was while Gracie retold the whole play and everything that happened afterwards.

“And Uncle Chuck was there as well to watch it. And of course Uncle Michael. And all his siblings, even that one brother – Dad, what’s his name?”

Dean’s heart squeezed involuntarily. “Castiel.”

“Yeah, that one. Ohh, and Uncle Gabe promised me –”

Usually, Dean would listen in when the conversation turned to something Gabe had promised his daughter, but right now, Jo’s look distracted him. She was squinting her eyes slightly after hearing Cas’ name. Without meaning to, Dean counted the seconds in his head until –

Jo’s eyes grew wide just five seconds later, her gaze instantly fixed on Dean. He looked back stoically, willing her not to say anything while Gracie was still here. Thankfully, his friend got the message, turning her attention back to Gracie.

They talked for well over half an hour until Dean reminded his daughter that Sam would be picking her up soon. Without much fuss, Gracie got up and waved at her aunts. “ _Tchau tia Jo, tchau tia Charlie._ ”

“ _Até mais, filhota._ ”

Now fully awake, Gracie was skipping down the hallway, probably already excited about her time with Sam at the fair. Sending a sweet smile after his daughter, Dean turned back to the laptop, ready to say his own goodbyes.

“Don’t even dare, Winchester,” Jo warned him right away, her eyes filled with fire.

Swallowing, Dean had an inkling about where this was heading, yet tried to prevent it. “We’ve kept you ladies long enough. Don’t you wanna explore Lisbon? ‘Sides, I should get going. Get Gracie’s breakfast ready.”

“You’ll have five more minutes to talk about this.”

“ _O que eu perdi?_ ”

“It’s no big deal, really,” Dean argued, ignoring Charlie. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

“Sure you don’t,” Jo fired back, her voice full of sarcasm and accusation.

“Okay, seriously guys: what am I missing here?”

“Castiel.”

“Who?”

“Castiel,” Jo repeated.

Confused, Charlie first squinted at her wife, then at Dean, then back at her wife. “Again: who?”

Before Jo could say anything, Dean jumped in: “She’s talking about Michael’s youngest brother, Castiel. The one that hasn’t been home in thirteen years.”

“Ohhh, okay. I totally spaced on his name just now. Sorry, my bad. Continue.”

“There’s nothing to continue,” Dean argued, but this time, he wasn’t able to stop Jo.

“You sure about that?” she asked, before turning to Charlie. “What Dean’s neglecting to mention is that _Castiel_ is the boy that tried to stop Dean and Lisa’s wedding all those years ago.”

Instantly, Charlie’s eyes flew wide and a breathy “ohhhh” left her.

Great, so obviously Jo had told her about the incident itself. “Don’t blow it up like that, Jo. Cas had a crush, so what? It’s been a long time.”

“Oh?” Jo replied, her voice and gaze turning way too sweet to be sincere. “So everything was alright when you met again? You talked and laughed and were friends again just like in the old days?”

“Friends?” Charlie threw in, obviously confused. “Didn’t you tell me it was one of his students that –”

“Yeah, that too,” Jo waved her away impatiently. “I’ll explain later.”

“You two seriously have nothing better to do but to gossip about my life?”

“ _Não,_ ” both of them replied, earning a glare from Dean. Ignoring it, Jo went on. “So spill the beans, Winchester? How was the big reunion?”

“Cold, okay? Is that what you want to hear?” Dean bit out, getting angry at Jo. Unreasonable, he knew, but still. “It was fucking cold because he still hates my guts. He can barely _look_ at me and calls me _Mr. Winchester_. If he even talks to me at all. Are you happy now?”

“Are you sure it’s because he _hates_ you?” Jo threw in when he had to take a breath, apparently completely unfazed by Dean’s blowup.

Her question made him hesitate for all of two heartbeats, before he grumbled, “What’s that supposed to mean?”  
“Well, have you ever considered he might just be … don’t know, trying not to lose his face in front of you again?”

“Huh?”

“Oh, come on, Dean. I know you’re not _that_ dumb.” His glare did little to stop Jo’s rant. “Have you ever considered he might be embarrassed, or even still harboring feelings for you?”

Barking out a bitter laugh, Dean shook his head. “After thirteen years? Come on, Jo. This isn’t a Nicholas Sparks movie, okay? In the real world, people actually _do_ grow up and get over their schoolboy crush.” Jo already opened her mouth, but Dean was faster. “And embarrassed? Why would he be embarrassed?”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“Ehm … don’t know … maybe for trying to stop his teacher’s wedding in front of half the town?”

“Oh, come _on_ –”

The bathroom door down the hallway opened, making Dean stop himself and wait. A second later, another door fell shut, telling him that Gracie was back in her room. Still, he needed to keep this conversation down a notch. The last thing he wanted was for his daughter to know that something had almost prevented her parents’ wedding.

“Not a word to Grace about this,” he hissed towards the laptop. “And actually, this conversation is over.”

He was tempted to just shut his laptop, but that would be childish. Jo’s next question brought him up short anyway. “Why do you belittle his feelings like that?”

“ _Excuse me?_ ” he hissed as quietly as possible.

“You called it a ‘schoolboy crush’ and something he would have grown out of by now. Correct me if I’m wrong, but haven’t _you_ always been the one to defend what he did?”

“And I still defend it, what the fuck?” Dean replied, genuinely angry now. “What has the one thing to do with the other? I admired his bravery, yes. And I still think no one should be made fun of for expressing their feelings, yes. But heck, Jo, that was _thirteen years_ ago. How can you think he still has feelings for me after all this time? And after what I did?”

“What did you do?” Charlie asked, obviously trying to follow the conversation as best as she could.

Dean slumped back against the couch, all anger towards Jo leaving him as his thoughts wandered back to that day, back to Cas’ devastated blue eyes. “I let him go, okay? I didn’t go after him.”

“Did you _want_ to go after him?” Charlie asked, her voice cracking with disbelief. “At your _own wedding_?”

“ _Not_ for the reason you’re thinking.” When he didn’t continue right away, Jo and Charlie just stared at him, for once not using his silence to accuse him some more. “I knew about his feelings for me,” he finally confessed in a whisper. “Had known for a while. And … I should have …” He was searching for the right words to say, but it was harder than expected. “I should have talked to him before the wedding. And that day, I should have gone after him and – I don’t know – apologized to him, or something.”

“Wait, let me get this straight,” Jo said, all this information news for her as well. “You’d felt the need back then to actually _go after him_ to _apologize_ for _marrying Lisa_?”

“Yes,” Dean replied, only to backtrack right away. “I mean no. Not for marrying Lisa. But … for … for … damn, I don’t know, okay? For him having to suffer, or whatever.”

“Wow.”

“What’s that’s supposed to mean?”

He would probably never know the answer, because in that moment, Grace opened her door and came skipping down the hallway, making a beeline for the kitchen. “What’s for breakfast, Dad?” she called out, obviously not realizing that Dean was still talking to her aunts.

“Omelette,” Dean called back. “Gimme a minute.”

“‘kay.”

Turning back to the laptop, Dean pointed at the screen. “Listen, this conversation is _over_. These things are in the past and Cas is only here for the holidays. He’ll be gone again in a month.” Ignoring how his heart squeezed at that thought, he lowered his voice even further as he went on. “I’ll just have to live through the few times we run into each other, and that’s it. So stop blowing this up and out of proportion, got it?”

“We didn’t blow up anyth–”

“ _Over!_ ”

“Jesus, yes! Okay,” Jo finally relented. “We won’t ever bring it up again, happy?”

“Yes.”

The feeling in Dean’s chest after this fight with his friends, the two women he saw as his little sisters, was terrible. He hated fighting with them in the first place but doing it while they were thousands of miles away from him and their conversations so rare, it hurt even more.

Sighing, he let go of his anger, his voice softer. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to blow up on you like that.”

“I shouldn’t have pushed you,” Jo mumbled out, only going on when Charlie poked her with an elbow. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Hey, we’ve kept you guys way too long. You’re in Europe, you shouldn’t be bothering with our problems back home. Go, have fun.”

Both women looked at him suspiciously for a moment. “We okay?” Jo finally asked.

Smiling softly at her, Dean nodded. “Of course. I love you crazy ladies way too much to stay mad at you.”

“Good,” Jo answered, returning the soft smile.

Charlie seemed to be back on her crazy high as she waved in goodbye. “ _Até mais, tiozinho,_ ” she chirped, having all of them chuckle as they ended the call.

Leaning back against the couch, Dean gave himself a minute to sort his thoughts and mostly his feelings.

It wasn’t until Gracie called out for him again, that Dean got up. Pushing everything aside, he went to the kitchen to get his daughter fed and ready for the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Portuguese translations:  
>  _obrigada/obrigado_ = thanks (the ending depends on if a woman or a man says it)  
>  _sim_ = yes  
>  _vivo_ = alive  
>  _Docinho, eu quero chupar você_ = Sweetie, I wanna taste your juices / I wanna eat you out  
>  _surpreendente_ = amazing  
>  _fabuloso_ = fabolous  
>  _cale-se_ = shut up  
>  _Bom dia, filhota_ = Good morning, little one  
>  _Tchau tia Jo, tchau tia Charlie_ = Bye Aunt Jo, bye Aunt Charlie  
>  _Até mais, filhota_ = See you soon, little one  
>  _O que eu perdi?_ = Did I miss something?  
>  _não_ = no  
>  _Até mais, tiozinho_ = See you soon, little uncle (a word to tease someone about their age)
> 
>    
> The biggest thanks to [greeneyesleatherjacket](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greeneyesleatherjacket) for helping me with the translations and making the Portuguese sound more natural :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After having another restless night, Dean digs up some old memories. Later that day, it's time for the first Sunday dinner at the Shurley's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, like I said at the very beginning: I'm trying, but please don't count on me for always posting at the same time ^^"  
> Anyway, have fun with the chapter I know a lot of you have been waiting for ;)

_Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart._

~ Haruki Murakami

 

If Dean had thought a day full of distraction would help him sleep better that night, he was surely met with disappointment. No matter how much time he spent with Bobby taking care of the horses and fixing some things around the ranch; no matter how much fun he had with Gracie and the snowman they were building in the backyard, as well as the impromptu snowball fight that broke loose; no matter how much he enjoyed the family time in the evening, with a fire in the fireplace and hot cocoa for both of them, their favorite movie running … no matter all that, the moment the lights were out and his head had hit the pillow, his thoughts had been back on Cas.

“You gotta be kidding me,” Dean mumbled when he woke up for the umpteenth time that night. It wasn’t even four-thirty in the morning and he was ready to give up on sleep again. How could it be that he was dreaming about Cas three nights in a row just because the man happened to be back in his life?

Sitting up, Dean switched on the light on his nightstand and then just sat there for a moment, listening to the silence. His eyes fell on the three framed pictures standing next to his alarm. One showed his closest friends and family on the ranch. It had been a beautiful day, Gracie’s fifth birthday, and they had decided to celebrate with a picnic. The happiness that day had been perfectly caught in this single shot. The second picture was an old one, taken shortly after Sam’s birth. John was holding little baby Sammy, cooing at him, his face free of any worry or pain or sadness. He had Dean sitting on his knees, little hands buried in Sam’s blankets, probably trying to hold his brother himself, while Mary was sitting beside them, smiling at her three men with contentment and love. How happy his parents must have been. And how unfair of life to take it away from them so soon after.

The third picture was his favorite of Lisa, smiling right at the camera. It had been taken on their honeymoon, at a beach in Florida. She’d been beaming like the sun the whole time and sometimes Dean thought he was still able to hear her carefree laughter from that day. Looking at the picture still made him smile, even though his heart was heavy, missing her every day.

“What is happening with me, Lis?” he whispered, trying to find an answer to this confusing situation. “Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Why do I dream about him?”

Lisa just continued to smile at him, not answering his questions in the slightest.

Getting up, Dean made his way to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. For a while, he just stood there, sipped the water, and watched his reflection in the dark window. The tiredness in his bones was heavy, but his mind was too awake to get back to sleep. Dean hated this state.

Switching off the lights in the kitchen, he walked across the hallway. After a quick check on Gracie, who was sleeping peacefully, one arm hugging her stuffed moose close, he made his way to his office. Carefully closing the door so he wouldn’t wake his daughter, he switched on the lights and put his glass on the table before rummaging around his shelves. Being a man that loved order, his office was kept pretty neat and well-organized, and the right yearbook was in his hands within seconds.

 

_Stars Hollow High_

_2004/2005_

 

Sitting down, he opened the book and browsed through the pages, stopping here and there, smiling at the memories. His search ended when the book fell open at the section with the portraits, a handful of papers pressed between the pages. Putting them aside for the moment, Dean looked closer at one portrait in particular.

Castiel Shurley had been a quiet young boy, always looking stern, mostly keeping to himself, or close to the very few friends he had. Knowing him not only as his student but also privately, Dean knew that this wasn’t always the case. It just so happened that Cas loved to laugh and had his own sense of humor. One that Dean understood and really liked. He’d watched Cas grow up and yet never once had he seen him as “just” Michael’s baby brother. He didn’t know what it was about Cas, but for him, the eight-and-a-half-year age difference had never really mattered. For him, Cas had always been his friend.

To this day, he wished he hadn’t had to put the friendship on hold when he’d started teaching at Stars Hollow High. But he’d been so young, so unsure. He hadn’t wanted to mess up and let people talk about how he favored one student because he was friends with him in private. It was bad enough everybody was watching the young teacher with hawkeyes, most of the town knowing the womanizer he had been just a few years prior. He still painfully remembered that one town meeting right before the school year had started, when a concerned father had talked about how he feared Dean would flirt with the girls in his class, maybe even hand out better grades for –

Clearing his throat, Dean forced away that particular painful memory. Luckily, the rest of the town had had his back, declaring such a thing impossible. But the feeling of being under observation had haunted Dean for the better part of his first years as a teacher.

It had probably been stupid that he’d let his friendship with Cas suffer because of this. Most of the town knew of their closeness anyway, and the rest of them at least knew that Dean and Michael were best friends. Still, when the time came, Dean had put away Cas’ nickname and called him by his full name for the first time in his life.

He would have never thought that hearing young Cas call him Mr. Winchester in return would hurt like a bitch.

Letting his fingers brush slowly over Cas’ name, Dean read the quote he had picked to go with his picture for maybe the hundreds time.

 

_Beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself_

~ Coco Chanel

 

Just a few weeks after the picture had been taken and Cas had chosen his quote, he’d left. Left right after Dean’s wedding, right after he’d run there to stop it, right after Dean had hurt him by not even spending five minutes to go after him and talk to him.

Even though Cas hadn’t finished the school year at Stars Hollow High, Dean had made sure his picture would still be included – it just wouldn’t have been fair to shove him aside as if he’d never been part of the school and this grade.

Taking a sip of his water first, Dean reached for the papers he’d put aside, looking at the one on top. It was a letter of recommendation he’d written shortly before Christmas, planning on handing it to Cas at the beginning of the new year. Reading the words he’d written so long ago, Dean had to smile. Cas had always been an outstanding student when it came to literature and writing. It had taken Dean hours to put into words how amazing the boy was without it sounding like he was gushing over him or just glorifying something.

He didn’t have it in his heart to throw away the letter once he’d realized he would probably never be able to hand it to Cas. Michael could have sent it after him, so Cas would still have it for all his applications, but quite honestly Dean’s fear had been too high that Cas would simply rip the letter apart and throw it away.

For a long time now, Dean had had the suspicion that Cas had made his way anyway, even without Dean’s help. Hearing that his last name was _James_ now strengthening his suspicions.

Putting the letter aside, Dean read the headline of the next page with a rueful smile.

 

_Fate or Free Will? On the Nature of Love in Kurt Vonnegut’s “Cat's Cradle”_

– _an Essay by Castiel Shurley_

 

The essay about _Cat’s Cradle_ had to be handed in right before winter break that year and just like with the letter of recommendation, Dean had never gotten the chance to hand it back to Cas. Reading the four pages again just now, he still wondered how a boy of Cas’ age had been so well-versed with words. Four pages and he had been able to convince Dean about his viewpoint: that love in “Cat’s Cradle” was neither pure fate nor complete free will. It was what the characters choose it to be – which also kind of made it both, no matter how preposterous that sounded. It didn’t matter if Cas’ opinion had been correct or not – it never really did with essays as they were always pure opinion, no matter what. What was important was that his argumentation had been strong and on point.

He’d gotten an A for this essay.

Sighing deeply, Dean gathered all the papers and put them back in the yearbook. After one last glance at the old picture of Cas, Dean shut the book but didn’t bother putting it away. Somehow, he had the feeling he would be looking at it a few more times over the next few weeks.

Back in the kitchen, he prepared himself a cup of tea. Waiting for the water to boil, he watched the numbers on the microwave slowly ticking towards five-twenty in the morning and just a few minutes later, he found himself outside on the porch swing, dressed in his warmest pajamas and a pullover, covered by two blankets, and sipping away on his tea.

It was way too early to be up on a Sunday morning, but at least it was peaceful.

About half an hour later, Dean finally got dressed for real and made his way to the stables. Ignoring the little voice in his head that was mocking him for waiting so long with his ride just for one reason, Dean got Cherry ready and soon, he was on his way.

 

~*~

 

A little red light bobbing up and down in the darkness, as if it was in motion, gave Dean plenty of warning that someone was coming his way. Knowing that they were close to the slope, he tamed Cherry’s gallop to a trot and then a walk.

“Good morning, Cas,” he greeted in the direction of the red light, once again only seeing a shadowy figure next to his horse.

“Mr. Winchester,” he heard the reply and was pretty sure Cas was nodding at him in acknowledgment. Then he was gone, once again not giving Dean the slightest chance to reply, let alone start a real conversation.

It was their third encounter and one would think he’d gotten used to Cas’ dismissive behavior by now.

But he hadn’t.

Stopping Cherry’s movement fully, Dean turned around in the saddle, looking after the shadowy figure that was quickly swallowed by the darkness. He tried to ignore the sadness that was spreading within him, the way each _Mr. Winchester_ pierced his heart. Clenching his teeth, Dean finally turned back around and let Cherry gallop again.

The growing distance from Cas was like a physical pain that wouldn’t go away.

 

~*~

 

It was always fun to get ready for Sunday dinners with the Shurley clan. Grace had the opportunity to dress up every other week and feel like the princess she really was. Since Sam had brought Eileen into the family, the ladies would usually spend a while in Gracie’s room getting ready, the only thing to be heard being giggles and gushing noises. Meanwhile, Sam and Dean would sit in the living room and watch football, Bobby usually joining them “just because the screen’s bigger.” They let him believe they didn’t know better. Soon enough, the men would get ready as well, Dean always picking one of his nicer suits, letting Gracie decide on the tie. Maybe it sounded weird to some, but Dean actually liked this family tradition of dressing up for Sunday dinners. Especially during the holidays, it added a nice touch.

The Shurley home was a huge Victorian mansion and whenever Anna and Michael’s kids were there, it was generally a loud place.

“You’re here!” came the squeal from Michael’s daughter, Lucy, the moment the man had opened the door. Gracie was similarly excited to see her friend. Lucy was just a year younger than her and while the girls didn’t attend the same school, they spent a lot of time together anyway. A moment later, the rest of the kids were next to them as well, and so were most of Michael’s siblings. Michael hugged him in greeting before Dean carefully navigated through the little ones to greet all the others while somehow getting out of his coat without hitting anyone.

With all the ruckus going on around him he still registered movement up the stairs, on the open landing. Looking up, he just couldn’t take his eyes away, and the voices around him turned into nothing but white noise as for the first time, he had the opportunity to really take a look at Castiel.

Dean had already known he’d had lost the few extra pounds that had made him look pudgy as a teenager. But seeing him without his thick coat now was different, and the formal dress up certainly became him. He had grown up to be an impressive man and the thought made Dean smile a little. Suddenly, the prospect of an evening in Cas’ close proximity didn’t seem too bad at all anymore. Certainly, they would find some time to finally talk for real, with Dean maybe even being able to apologize.

Cas’ blue eyes fell on him, making Dean’s heart skip a beat. For just a second, he was sure there was no hate, no ice in Cas’ gaze and it made him more hopeful than he’d thought possible.

The second was over all too soon as Cas turned towards the stairs, keeping his head down. It didn’t keep Dean from staring.

_He’s certainly become hot._

All of Dean’s thoughts came to a screeching halt, the question of _What? What? What the fuck, brain?_ on a loop while he still couldn’t take his eyes away from Cas. When he looked back at him halfway down the stairs, even the confusion in his head calmed down, every fiber of his being just focused on this one man.

_What the hell is happening?_

“Castiel, hello.” Eileen’s exclamation pulled Cas’ attention away from Dean. The moment the blue eyes weren’t focused on him anymore, Dean could breathe again.

_And what the fuck?_

He’d always thought that to be just a figure of speech. Just some weird romcom shit authors used to let the readers believe one person was under the spell of the other.

But no. For the first time in his life, Dean knew how it felt. It wasn’t as if there was no air left for him to take in. It was simply that his chest had become tight, something squeezing him and not letting go until the connection between him and Cas had been broken. And even now, he still felt the uneasy squeezing in his stomach.

He completely blanked out on the conversation going on between Eileen and Cas, only pulled back to the present when Cas’ laughter rang through the foyer, intensifying the turmoil in Dean’s stomach by tenfold. After grinning at Sam – and God, did Dean want this grin to be directed at him – Cas left the room with Eileen on his arm.

The fact that he hadn’t even bothered to greet Dean was like a bucket of ice water over the budding hope of maybe amending his mistakes tonight.

 

~*~

 

Things certainly didn’t look up from there. The dining room was huge, enough space to fit the Shurley clan. An extra table was prepared for the children, the main table already almost bursting with the seven Shurley siblings, three of their significant others, Chuck and his sister, and of course Bobby and the three Winchesters. Somehow, Cas had ended up at the very other end of the table, as far away from Dean as possible. He tried not to think that Cas had done it on purpose, and mostly tried to ignore the squeezing in his chest. Thankfully, Sitting next to Michael helped a great deal, the two friends chatting just like always, laughing here and there over old stories and dumb jokes.

But despite that, Dean couldn’t stop his mind from mostly being focused on the man sitting diagonally from him at the other end, his eyes wandering over every so often. What was it about Cas that confused him so much? And why wasn’t he able to solve this enigma?

Once or twice, Dean found Cas looking right back at him but he always averted his gaze the moment Dean caught him looking. The almost physical pain in his stomach intensified every single time, making Dean almost sick with this confusing rollercoaster of his feelings. He lost count of how many times he asked himself _What the hell?_

Thankfully, even the longest dinner had to end at some point and Dean was more than willing to help clear the table, just so he had something to do. He’d just put some of the dirty plates on the counter when he felt a presence by his side.

“Hey, you’re doing okay?”

Michael put some more dishes down, right next to the ones Dean had carried, looking at him intently, the earlier carefree demeanor gone.

“Yeah,” Dean replied after a quick glance showed him that they were alone in the kitchen. “Sure. Why do you ask?”

“Maybe because you keep staring at my brother?”

“What?” Huffing out an uneasy laugh, Dean tried to look relaxed. “No man, I’m fine.”

“Yeah? Because you’re also more quiet than usual.”

“What do you mean? We’ve talked all through dinner.”

Obviously, his try for nonchalant wasn’t working with his best friend. Michael just kept staring at him with his intense gaze – a quality he definitely shared with Cas.

_Only, Michael’s gaze doesn’t make your heart squeeze._

_What the fuck?_

“Michael, I’m fine,” he declared, keeping his tone more sincere, all laughter gone. Maybe this way his friend would believe him. “Why would you think I’m not fine just because Cas is back?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Then what is it you said?”

“Just that –”

Hannah and Anna, Michael’s twin sisters, loudly entered the room, apparently laughing about something their brother Inias had just said. If Michael knew anything about Dean, then he knew that he would never get him to talk with other people there to listen in. Not waiting for another opening, Dean smiled at Michael, clapped him on the shoulder, and left the kitchen to return back to the living room.

His friend followed him soon enough, handing him a beer, and sending him a look that practically screamed, “This conversation isn’t over!”

Dean took the beer but otherwise ignored him.

 

~*~

 

The evening progressed in a somewhat normal manner. The atmosphere was relaxed, everybody was in a good mood, and conversations were all around. Apparently, Dean was the only one who couldn’t quite enjoy it. Even though he tried not to – especially with Michael apparently keeping an eye on him – he found his gaze drifting towards Cas almost constantly now. More than once, he thought about just walking over and starting a conversation. But then Cas would look right at him and quickly avert his eyes, clearly not interested in any interaction at all.

Besides that, Dean still had no idea what to actually really talk about.

He was sure he wanted to apologize and the more he thought about, he also wanted to know about Cas’ life. He’d wondered about it in the past and he would love to … to have his friend back?

Yeah.

Yeah, that was it. That must be why this distance between them was so painful. Because there had been a time when it was different. When they would have nice conversations and laughs together. When they would play video games or talk about books or just enjoy time together.

Dean was still in the process of figuring out his confusing feelings when he saw Cas leave the room. He waited for him to come back, but it never happened. It became hard to follow his conversation with Gabriel and Crowley, Anna’s husband, about … yeah, well, he actually had no idea what it was about, not having paid attention at all, even when Cas had still been in the room.

Excusing himself, Dean left the living room. Maybe meeting Cas alone would finally help Dean to find the right words to mend this.

“Dean.”

Heart skipping for just a moment, Dean turned around. His brain already knew that it wasn’t Cas who had called out for him, but Michael’s voice was close enough that he’d reacted to it anyway.

_Okay, what the **fuck** is wrong with me?_

“Where’re you going?”

_Stalk your little brother to talk to him._

“Bathroom. Why? Wanna join me?”

Michael rolled his eyes but apparently had no qualms to just stand there and wait to see what direction Dean would take. He was tempted to screw with Michael, but he knew, in the end, he would lose no matter what stupid idea his brain would come up with. Instead, he simply huffed and changed directions, entering the guest bathroom and shutting the door forcefully.

_Great. Just fucking great._

So now not only did Cas ignore him and confuse him in the process, his best friend was also keeping an eye on him to … to what even? What was Michael thinking Dean would do?

Maybe he _should_ have that talk with Michael after all – it might give him a little bit of insight into his own feelings.

Chuckling darkly, Dean flushed just in case Michael was listening, then turned on the tab. He held his wrists under the water, letting the cold over his pulse slowly calm him and clear his head from all the fuzziness. For good measure, he also washed his face.

Ready to face the music once more, Dean returned straight to the living room, no desire at all to have Michael catch him again whilst on the hunt for Cas.

 

~*~

 

It wasn’t long after that the evening slowly came to an end.

_Probably for the better,_ Dean thought as he followed Sam, Eileen, and Bobby into the foyer. Who knew what would have happened had he met Cas alone.

While the others were getting ready, Dean went upstairs to Lucy’s room to pick up his daughter. Only, she wasn’t there.

“Hey, Lucy. Did you see Grace?”

“No,” the girl replied, simply continuing to play with her dolls and otherwise ignoring Dean.

“Okay. Good night.”

“Night.”

He carefully checked in the other room where Anna had put her kids down, but all he found was the two peacefully sleeping girls and Anna’s baby boy. If she wasn’t up here somewhere, Dean had a pretty good guess where he would find his daughter, so he made his way back down and beelined for the kitchen and the door that led to the patio.

“Gracie, you out here?”

Any further words were stuck in his throat, because all of a sudden, wide blue eyes were looking right back at him, very obviously startled.

“Yes, I’m here,” he vaguely heard his daughter reply. “Dad! Guess where Castiel works.”

“Uhm …”

Yeah, he really wasn’t the best at finding clever answers when his brain was single-mindedly focused on stunning blue eyes.

Thankfully, his daughter didn’t seem to notice as she went right on. “He works at _Light & Darkness_ and he knows _C. S. James_. And Dad, you were right, he’s a guy and – ohhh –”

Only when his daughter stopped was he finally able to rip his gaze from Cas, the sudden despair in his daughter’s voice alarming him. Wide-eyed, she looked at Cas, one of her hands clapped over her mouth – her typical tell when she’d said something she shouldn’t have. Before Dean could even ask what was wrong, she went on, speaking to Cas directly. “I’m so sorry. That was supposed to be a secret.” Her head snapped back up at him, her eyes pleading. “Dad, you can’t tell anyone, I promised Castiel.”

Still hopelessly overwhelmed with the whole situation, Dean couldn’t answer right away. Had Cas seriously just been talking to his daughter for who knew how long? Had Gracie managed to do what Dean hadn’t been able to?

But apparently, Gracie seemed to like Cas. And, well, Cas didn’t look like he wanted to run away. At least not from Grace. He’d even confide in her that he knew her favorite author. They’d … bonded? That was …

Nice, actually.

A soft smile stole itself on Dean’s lips at that thought.

“Of course not, Pumpkin,” he promised, before switching back to Dad-mode. “But if you make a promise, you need to keep it, Gracie.”

“I know, Dad. I swear, Castiel, I’m usually better with keeping secrets. It won’t happen again, I promise.”

“It’s … it’s alright, Grace,” Cas replied, and Dean was glad he seemed to be sincere about it. Of course he would have had every right to be mad at Gracie for giving away a secret – but Dean would still have defended his daughter had Cas said anything mean to her because of it. Instead, Cas went on. “I didn’t mean for you to keep it from your dad, it’s okay. Of course you shouldn’t have to lie to him, so it’s alright.”

“You aren’t mad at me?”

“Of course not.” Suddenly, Cas grinned at Gracie and even winked, completely confusing Dean when he told her, “You’re still a kid after all.”

Grace answered with her typical sarcastic, “Ha ha,” yet after rolling her eyes, she actually joined in when Cas started to chuckle, apparently neither of them feeling the need to let Dean in on the joke.

And he honestly needed something to distract himself from that rough and melodic chuckle. “I feel like I missed something.”

“It’s okay, Dad,” Grace told him, cheeky as ever. “You don’t need to know.”

“Alright, young lady,” Dean replied. He always hated having to pretend to reprimand her when she spoke to him like that. In reality, he loved that his daughter had inherited her old man’s snark. “I think it’s bedtime for you soon.” Besides, he was pretty sure Gracie knew how much he was _not_ angry with her about it, especially when he usually failed to keep his smile off his face. “Come on, the others are waiting already.”

“Okay.” After grabbing her book, she got up, turned to Cas, and offered her hand. “Bye, Castiel. It was nice meeting you.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Cas replied while taking her hand.

She was already at the door, Dean’s hand about to land on her shoulder to guide his daughter inside, when she twirled back around to Cas. “Ohhh, do you think …” She held up her book, something she usually did when trying really hard to keep herself from continuing.

Before Dean could stop her, already suspecting what was coming, Cas encouraged her to go on, giving her his undivided attention.

“You think I could get an autograph from C. S. James?”

Not wanting his daughter to sound impertinent, he softly flicked her in her back where Cas wouldn’t see it, and added a soft, “Gracie,” in warning.

Right away, Cas’ eyes were on him, bare of all the cold he usually sent Dean’s way. “It’s okay,” he assured and right away turned back to Gracie. “I … guess I can arrange something, yes.”

Squealing, Grace threw herself into Cas’ arms and Dean had to suppress his grin at the man’s startled expression. Obviously, he had never dealt with overexcited twelve-year-olds before. He almost felt bad for Cas, but Gracie let go soon enough, only to jump up and down right in front of him. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“Of course,” Cas replied almost breathlessly.

Satisfied, Gracie skipped away from him, calling a, “Bye, Castiel,” back at him. A second later, the whirlwind that was Dean’s daughter had left the patio and Dean was sure he was the only one that heard Cas reply with, “Bye, Gracie …”

Dean couldn’t stop himself from looking at the man. The soft smile Cas was sending after his daughter was a good look on him. The sharp angles of his face appeared to be softer, his eyes warmer.

Even when they landed on Dean.

Relishing this moment, even though it wasn’t meant for him, Dean let it last a few heartbeats longer.

“Bye, Cas,” he finally said, not one to push his luck.

Or … maybe just a little?

He’d already stepped through the door when a silly thought hit him that he just couldn’t resist. Leaning back around the door, he murmured, “See you in the morning,” before following Gracie back to the foyer.

 

~*~

 

Getting his daughter to bed that night was hard, as she was constantly babbling about how awesome Castiel was and the fact that she would get a signature from C. S. James. In the end, it was only his threat that he would keep Cas from doing exactly that for her should she not go to bed _right now_ that got her to at least calm down and behave again. It also got her pouting at him, but he was used to that. Hating himself for doing this, he took the book she was currently reading and left her room.

“ _Dad_ , that’s not _fair_!”

“You’ll get it back in the morning, now go to bed. It’s after midnight for Heaven’s sake.”

“Arrrrgggghhh,” he heard her growl, her naked feet stomping on the floor, followed by the door banging shut. Usually, he would reprimand her for that, but right now all he wanted was for her to go to bed and get some sleep. He would make it up to her in the morning with some pancakes.

Back in his own bedroom, Dean’s eyes fell on the book cover and the name of Gracie’s favorite author.

_C. S. James_

_“My name is Castiel James now.”_

_Castiel Shurley James._

Shaking his head, Dean dropped the book on his nightstand before finally getting ready for bed himself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A friend on Facebook asked me how I picture Gracie. It made me realize that I never gave you a real description of her, mostly because I like to give my readers the freedom of imagining an OC any way they want. But I was wondering: would you like me to add that in an author's note?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No meeting with Cas in the morning? How is Dean going to handle that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you have let me know that they would like to know how I picture Gracie :) so here's how _I_ see her - which totally doesn't mean you have to picture her the same way ;)  
>  For me, she leans more to the Winchester side of the family: blonde or dirty-blonde hair (a bit like a [young Mary Winchester](http://images6.fanpop.com/image/polls/1530000/1530893_1450478193766_full.jpg?v=1450478405)), greenish-brown eyes, a few freckles :) maybe very close to the young [Emma Swan](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/27/f0/e4/27f0e4e4f8cdd002e342554307b0aa37.gif) in "Once Upon A Time".  
> However, other than the looks, the real inspiration for this Gracie is [Grace Williams](http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/38300000/Grace-Williams-Mana-o-2011-hawaii-five-0-2010-38395579-500-278.jpg) from "Hawaii Five-0" as I was binge watching that show while writing _Angel Cookies_ \- and if you like her looks better for this Gracie, you can totally just picture her like that ^_^

_All Anger Stems From Feeling Hurt_

~ Donald Lynn Frost

 

_It was a hot day in July, blue skies and green fields all around. The refreshing water of the lake, the skin dry within minutes of lying around on the bank._

_Someone sat down right next to him, naked skin brushing against naked skin when the man bumped his shoulder._

_“Ready for another round?”_

_He looked up into blue eyes, full of mirth and happiness, so carefree and warm._

_“No,” he replied, leaning back on his arms, letting one rest right behind where the man sat. The closeness was exhilarating. “I’d rather sit here with you.”_

_The man looked over his shoulder, right at him, a secret little smile dancing around his soft lips. “I’d like that,” he replied after a while, leaning back and into his side._

 

~*~

 

One moment, Dean was still asleep, the next he was awake, eyes opened and fixed at the darkness above him.

_What a weird dream._

For the first time, it wasn’t just a memory. He knew it had played out at their lake, the one most kids and teenagers of the town had spent their summers at. But Dean hadn’t been there for years; being a teacher meant he shouldn’t be where all his students would hang out. But mostly, the man next to him certainly hadn’t been a teenaged Cas. He had been the Cas Dean knew now. At least as far as Dean could tell. If the way he’d pictured Cas’ bare upper body in his dream was correct, Dean couldn’t say.

Not that he was thinking about ever seeing Cas naked.

_No, you only dream about it._

“And that’s it,” he interrupted his own train of thoughts, quickly getting up and making his way to the bathroom. He was only halfway there when his alarm started to play _Heat of the Moment_ , making him rush back to switch it off. Amazingly, it seemed he’d at least made it through the night, despite his weird dreams.

_Nice dreams._

_Shut up._

After his normal morning routine of bathroom, preparing tea, getting dressed, and bringing Gracie her cup, plus the little extra time he spent to prepare some pancake batter, Dean hastened a bit to make sure he would be on his way just in time. Of course only because he wanted to spend some more minutes riding before he had to go to school.

_Oh, who are you trying to kid here, huh?_

_Shut up!_

He got on his path towards the lake just on time, a smile stealing itself on his lips at the prospect of meeting Cas. Not that he would be able to see him. Or really talk to him. Or that Cas would suddenly like him again.

Actually, there was no real reason for him to be looking forward to this.

And yet, the smile just wouldn’t go away.

He passed the slope, happy to know Cas wouldn’t have to detour on this dangerous path. Apparently, Dean had started a bit earlier than him today. The minutes ticked by, the yards flying away under Cherry’s hooves, but no red light appeared.

Had he passed him without realizing?

Slowing down, Dean turned around in his saddle and looked back the way he’d come. The moon was still round and finally not hidden by clouds, giving him a tad more light than the mornings before.

There was no Cas as far as he could see.

Moving on, Dean kept his eyes far ahead, trying to smother the growing fear that something had happened. When he got to the crossroads that either led him on the path he usually took back home or the way towards the Shurley mansion Cas must have taken every morning, he stopped Cherry for real, just standing there, waiting.

Should he ride to the mansion and check on Cas? Should he take the same way back? Make sure Cas wasn’t lying in the ditch somewhere?

It was Cherry dancing nervously that finally made the decision for him somehow. Turning her around, Dean took the same way along the lake to get back home, eyes scanning the area on both sides closely. The further he got, the heavier his heart grew. Not finding Cas was a good thing, of course. But it also meant he’d missed him today.

Or maybe Cas had ditched him altogether.

The thought stung like a bee, but once it had latched onto his mind, it just wouldn’t go away. Did Cas seriously forego his morning run just so he didn’t have to meet Dean? Really?

No. No that couldn’t be.

Or could it?

For the first time since Dean could remember, his mood was low when he got back from his ride. He really tried not to let it out on his horse, scrubbing Cherry down as gently as he could. After taking care of her, he hurried inside to get the first pancakes ready before Gracie would enter the kitchen. Her book was already lying on the kitchen table.

The third pancake just came out of the pan when he heard the chair being moved and Gracie sitting down. She’d obviously already showered, her long hair in a fancy towel turban to dry more quickly. Since there was no, “Good morning, Daddy,” and her nose didn’t disappear in her book right away, Dean sighed as he put the full plate down in front of her.

“Pancakes as a peace offering?”

When she looked up, he eyes at least were bare of any anger or lingering grudge.

“They’re with chocolate chips.”

“Will you tell Castiel not to give me C.S. James’ auto?”

“Of course not,” Dean replied, rolling his eyes and nudging her in her side. “I would love to talk to you again before I’m old and gray. And I know that won’t be happening if I do that. I’m not that stupid.”

“Good,” was the only verdict he got, but at least he could see a little smile on her lips and the next moment, she was digging into her breakfast while pulling the book closer.

Finishing off a few more pancakes, Dean put the rest of the batter in the fridge and quickly hurried to take a shower. Once he was alone again, his smile fell away, all his thoughts back on Cas not showing up this morning. Which, of course, was completely stupid to even think about. It wasn’t as if they had agreed to meet or anything.

His warm shower didn’t really help to get rid of the sour mood and when he accidentally ripped one of his favorite shirts on a nail that was minutely sticking out of the wooden closet, Dean knew it was totally going to be a bad day.

 

~*~

 

_Bad day_ had certainly been an understatement. His foul mood had quickly led to a headache, the constant noise of those pubescent maniacs he had to call his students not making it any better. Neither did their behavior that day. When Andrew didn’t pay attention and doodled in his book rather than answer the question, Dean asked him if he’d prefer answering that question and twenty more at home. When Max played with his phone, Dean simply took it away from him and put it on his own desk – they all knew the rules so when Max complained, Dean sent him a sharp glare. When Scott gave a stupid answer just to be funny, Dean told him that he wasn’t funny at all, nipping the jokes and laughter right in the butt.

It wasn’t until he saw Ava hand a little piece of paper to Lily that he finally snapped.

“Oh, you guys gotta be kidding me today,” he growled, making all of them jump. Ripping the little letter right out of Lily’s hand, he ignored the shocked gasps from the girls as well as the pleading, “No, Mr. Winchester, please.”

Opening the letter, he looked back down at Ava before even seeing the first word.

“Since you think it’s fine to do it in class, I guess it will also be okay for you to have me read this out loud?”

“ _No_ ,” came the shocked cries but still, for just a second, Dean was tempted to go through with his threat.

And then he really looked at Ava and the way her eyes almost watered.

All of a sudden, he felt like the worst asshole in the world.

He knew Andrew had a hard time with focusing for too long, and the doodling around mostly helped him to keep himself focused.

He knew Max had issues at home and liked to stay in contact with his sister, just to make sure she was doing alright.

He knew Scott didn’t have many friends and craved the attention of others by making stupid jokes.

And he knew Ava and Lily were his best students in class, never disappointing him at all. But they were also sixteen-year-old girls that probably had to deal with first crushes and heartbreaks, the constant need to talk to their best friend never fading.

God, he was such an asshole.

Folding the letter without reading even one word, he handed the piece of paper back to Ava. Hesitantly, she reached for it, looking back at him when he didn’t let go right away. “Next time, at least be a bit more subtle.”

Swallowing, Ava nodded, quickly pulling her hand back once he’d let go, the letter inside her jeans’ pocket within a nanosecond.

Back at his desk, Dean picked up Max’ cellphone and easily tossed it over, Max catching without a problem. His whole class was staring at their teacher, no one even daring to breathe a word.

“Scott, why don’t you tell us a joke about Christmas and then we call it a day?”

That certainly got his students’ attention, all eyes on Scott right away. Suddenly the center of everybody’s attention, the boy sat up and hesitated for only a moment. When Dean encouraged him with a nod, he turned towards the class and with a wide grin, he said: “One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, ‘It’s going to rain.’ His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’ And he said, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.’”

Maybe it was the weird atmosphere that had hung over the room, or maybe for the first time, Scott had told a joke that was actually funny; either way, the whole class laughed and even Dean huffed out a chuckle.

“Awesome, buddy. And now get out. But behave, don’t make me regret this.”

A chorus of various replies, from “of course,” to “bye, Mr. Winchester,” or “thanks, have a good one,” was his answer while he walked around the table and sat heavy in his chair, waiting for the room to clear.

“Are you alright, Mr. Winchester?”

Looking up, Dean found Andrew standing there, his gaze slightly worried.

“I will be, thank you, Andrew.”

The boy gave him a shy smile, nothing more than a quick tuck on his lips before he made to leave the room.

“Oh, and Andrew. Sorry for being a douche to you earlier.”

That got a real smile out of the boy. “No problem, Mr. Winchester. Guess sometimes even adults don’t have their shit together, right?”

Chuckling, Dean shook his head. “Get out of here, before I give you those twenty questions after all,” he replied in good humor, happy to see that Andrew’s smile only grew bigger while he waved at Dean and finally left the room.

The sudden quiet was deafening, but the ten extra minutes were enough for Dean to get it back together. When his next class entered the room, he was ready, all thoughts of Cas shoved deep down, never to interfere again with him being the best version of a teacher he could possibly be.

 

~*~

 

Not really in the mood to do any paperwork after school, Dean still forced himself to stay, sit down, and work on it. Since he’d already opted out of it on Friday, he seriously couldn’t push it yet another day. At least the weather wasn’t very inviting, making it easy to keep inside and in the warm classroom after all. He just hoped Gracie had gotten to _Luke’s_ before it was completely packed, as it tended to be during weather like that.

Getting through his stuff at a rather great pace, it was about an hour later that Dean was able to put his pen down and enjoy the satisfying feeling of a job well done. For the moment there was nothing left to correct or prepare, so he finally allowed himself to call it a day without feeling like a crappy teacher again. After cleaning up his desk, Dean left his classroom and the school, making a beeline for the diner to pick up his daughter. He could already see her blonde mane from a few yards away, yet when he looked past her, he was completely caught off guard as he saw the man she was sitting at a table with. So caught off guard, actually, that he stopped in the middle of the street, just staring, wondering if he’d been picked up and dropped into the wrong movie.

What on earth had he missed? Where was the memo that had the instructions for making his life that much harder?

So the man had opted out on going for a run this morning, possibly just to avoid Dean, but then he was perfectly fine with sitting in a diner with Dean’s daughter?

A car honking at him got Dean out of his stupor at last and he quickly made his way inside. Gracie and Cas seemed to both be working on their own stuff, completely immersed and in what appeared to be a perfectly quiet, harmonious atmosphere.

Stepping up to the table, he waited for a few more heartbeats, seeing if either would notice, but neither did.

“So, is this a new study group I don’t know about?”

Yeah, it was a dumb thing to say, as he could clearly see that Gracie was working on some homework and Cas was typing away on his laptop – but hey, no one ever said he was original with his jokes.

Cas’ head snapped up right away and funny enough, his hand seemed to jerk in the direction of the laptop’s lid before he stopped himself. What? Was there something he didn’t want Dean to see?

“Hey, Daddy,” Gracie greeted, helping him to snap his attention away from Cas. “Castiel was so kind to let me sit with him. The diner was packed earlier because of the snow.”

“Oh, okay,” he replied, still feeling a bit out of sorts. Should he say something to Cas? Should he ask him if he was alright because he hadn’t been there this morning? Should he use this opportunity to finally start a real conversation between them? “Did you get some homework done?”

Yep, it was official: Dean Winchester was a chickenshit.

Thankful to have his daughter as a safe haven, his gaze wandered towards her, trying to ignore Cas’ presence.

_He hates you. He hates you enough to avoid you. Be grateful he doesn’t hate you enough to be an ass to your daughter._

Although maybe that was just because Cas wasn’t that kind of person.

And because Gracie was a little sunshine.

Wait, what had she said?

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

Something about math. Probably that it was done.

Damnit, Cas wasn’t supposed to distract him to the degree that he was an asshole to his students and not listening to his daughter anymore.

“Thank you, Castiel. For letting me sit with you,” his daughter said, already all packed up. “And for the pie and hot chocolate.”

“You’re welcome,” Cas replied and Dean almost pinched himself so he wouldn’t stare too hard at the cute little smile the man was wearing.

All of a sudden, Gracie was gone, and Dean still stood in the middle of the diner, staring at Cas, not able to move an inch or even avert his gaze. A few heartbeats later, Cas’ eyes were on him, staring right into his soul, leaving him breathless.

Fuck, why was he still standing here? He was making an idiot out of himself.

Opening his mouth, he said the first thing that came to mind. “Pie and hot chocolate? Do you … what do I owe you?”

Yes! Yes, smooth question, very good!

That was a normal question to ask in this moment, right?

“Oh no. It’s fine,” Cas replied right away and if Dean wasn’t mistaken, there was a very faint red shimmer on his cheeks. “I invited her.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

“Okay.”

That was probably the moment he should’ve left, but just like before, he kinda missed that cue.

Still standing in the middle of the diner.

Still staring at Cas.

Still no idea how to even move.

“Dad, are you coming?”

“Yeah,” Dean replied, almost hugging his daughter for breaking the weird spell that had been put on him. With one last nod towards Cas, Dean hurried after Gracie, taking a deep breath of fresh winter air the moment he stepped outside.

A tingling in his neck, as if eyes were boring into him, followed him the whole way across the square.

 

~*~

 

That night, Dean sat down with the first book of the series Gracie loved to pieces. He’d read it once before, many years ago, just to check if it would be okay for Grace to read at such a young age since it was actually meant for young adults. He’d deemed it alright for her, thankfully. Back then, he’d only skimmed over it, and still, something had caught his attention here and there, planting the first seeds of suspicion into him.

This time, he read it much more carefully, taking his time as he took in the story, letting himself get immersed in the plot and invested in the characters. When he went to bed that night, he was sure that his suspicions were very well-founded.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of you have been asking me to let you know when there will be days without posting - I'm afraid we're at that point now, my friends :/ as you might remember from _Angel Cookies_ , not much happens for the rest of the week until Friday, except for Cas avoiding Dean. So that's why there won't be an update 'till then.
> 
> Unless of course you'd like to get some 200 words a day about how depressed Dean is not to be seeing Cas in the morning ^^" (a lot, I can tell you that much).
> 
> See you on Friday *waves* <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After having no contact with Cas for three days, a dream turns Dean's world upside down.

_Dreams are illustrations ... from the book your soul is writing about you_

~ Marsha Norman

 

Dean had never known how hypnotic shadowy pattern on the roof could be in the middle of the night. Then again, he’d never before just been lying around awake, night after night, only catching some sleep here and there.

The shiny numbers on his alarm ticked to 3:30 am and Dean sighed. He’d been awake for twenty-seven minutes, and had only slept about three hours before that. Not enough to get him through the day. Because this week had been pure hell.

He’d mostly kept his promise not to let his private issues interfere with teaching again, but even he could tell he wasn’t as easy-going and fun as he usually was. The sleepless nights, the weird dreams, not seeing Cas in the mornings ... It all came together and left him moody. His students could certainly tell something was wrong, and he should probably take it as a tribute to how well-loved he was that they didn’t take advantage of the situation.

Or they were just scared something like Monday would happen again, who knew.

Either way, they were all perfect angels – which in itself was a bother to Dean. Usually, his class was loud, full of laughter and productive energy. Now it was just boring work and he hated to see how lackluster his students were because of it.

Because of him.

3:37 am

Turning, Dean closed his eyes, trying to get in a few more Z’s.

_Cas is avoiding you._

“Argghhh, shut up,” he grumbled towards his brain, pulling the blanket over his head.

His brain was right, though, Cas really _was_ avoiding him. He’d obviously stopped running, or maybe he was taking another route, or whatever. Dean knew for sure because, yes, damnit, even though it hurt like a bitch every damn time, Dean never missed a morning ride. Just in case.

3:42 am

He pulled the blanket back down, unable to find rest when he couldn’t breathe normally. His whole body was tired, it was just his brain that wouldn’t shut up. He kept his eyes focused on the digital numbers, forcing his eyes to grow heavy.

3:43 am

3:44 am

3:45 am

…

_They were at the lake again, lying next to each other on the warm grass. He knew he was dreaming, but he didn’t want it to stop. Those blue eyes were mesmerizing, and those smiling lips. They looked soft._

_Inviting._

_“I know what you’re thinking.”_

_That voice, so fucking rough and deep._

_So close to him when Cas leaned over his body, that smiling mouth hovering over his out of nowhere._

_“I know what you want,” he whispered against his lips, as he rolled down his hips_ –

 

~*~

 

Dean jerked awake so forcefully he got caught up in the sheets, actual falling out of bed and hitting his knee pretty badly.

“Shit, fuck! … what the fuck?”

Sorting his limbs, Dean got out of the blankets and leaned back against the side of his bed, breathing heavily.

What the fuck had that just been?

Was that –

Did that –

“No. No fucking way, get it together.”

He did _not_ just have a sex dream about his friend.

Former friend.

Former friend that had a crush on him.

“No!”

Getting up, Dean threw a glance at his alarm.

5:55 am

Well, at least he’d gotten some sleep after all.

_And a nice sex dream._

Shutting off the alarm before it would go off, Dean moved to the bathroom quickly while he tried to stay calm. That had _not_ been a sex dream. He would know, he certainly had had enough of those in his life. And what had just happened did not qualify as one.

He was still telling himself that when he got back from his morning ride an hour later.

 

~*~

 

By the time he shut off his Baby’s engine in the teachers’ lot of Stars Hollow High, Dean had explained the incident to himself. It was actually pretty obvious:

  1. He hasn’t had sex in over four years now.
  2. He was thinking about Cas constantly because he wanted his friend back and because the whole situation was frustrating.
  3. Total lack of sleep and focus.



Together, that all made one fucked up brain that confused one thing for another. Easy as that.

“Dad, you okay?”

Flinching, Dean nodded and tried not to let it get to him how he’d just spent the drive to school thinking about a sex dream while his daughter had been in the car.

Which obviously he _hadn’t_ , _since. It. Was._ _No. Sex dream!_

“Sure,” he replied, getting out of the car. “Just tired.”

“You say that a lot lately. You sure you’re okay?”

Great, so when had the roles between them changed? Since when was his daughter the one to worry about her dad?

He was about to reply when Taylor Doose called out for him, rushing across the parking lot. Dean waited for him to be closer before he greeted the man. “Taylor, what’s up?”

“Dean, I’m sorry to bother you, but something terrible happened.”

Usually, Dean would have a reply ready for Taylor, teasing the man in some ways. The guy always made a mountain out of a molehill and most of the times it was amusing to see him get confused when Dean threw him with a funny and completely unrelated remark. Right now, however, he was glad the man was saving him from having to reply to his daughter, so he simply nodded, showing Taylor that he should continue.

“Lulu just called. She’s sick with the flu, can’t even get out of bed, the poor girl.”

“That … certainly is terrible. Why are you telling me?”

“Because Lulu was one of the judges for tomorrow’s snowman contest.”

“And?”

“And I’m here to ask you to jump in.”

“No,” Gracie’s called out, sounding shocked. “He can’t. We’re joining as a team.”

Briefly turning towards Grace, Taylor looked like he meant it when he said, “I’m really sorry about this. But –” Dean was sure he knew what was coming when Taylor focused back on him with an apologetic, yet firm expression. “Within the teachers of Stars Hollow, you’re next on the list. It would have been your turn next year anyway.”

It wasn’t really the argument, it was more the way Taylor said these things when he really wanted something. He had a way of making the other person feel guilty if they didn’t immediately jumped in and agreed to everything. Thankfully, Dean was usually immune to this.

“Taylor, just because I’m next in line –”

“The person after you isn’t here this weekend and the person after that is pregnant. Do you really want a poor, pregnant woman to have to do that?”

And there it was, the many ways Taylor was able to make one feel guilty.

“‘Course not,” came Dean’s reply while he tried not to roll his eyes.

Before he could continue, Gracie had made her way around the car and was coming up next to him. “But, Dad. Our snowman. We wanted –”

“I know, Gracie. I know.” Pulling his pouting daughter close to him, he hugged her to his side. “I’m sorry. We’ll do it next year, okay?”

There was no reply from Grace, which was her way to give in when she didn’t like it. With a heavy heart, Dean looked back at Taylor and nodded. “Alright, you win. Count me in.”

“Thank you, Dean. I knew I could count on you.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Ignoring Taylor, Dean pulled Gracie along with him towards the entrance. School was starting soon, and he didn’t want either of them to be late. Right before they would have to separate, Dean hugged his daughter close once more. “I’m really sorry.”

“Whatever,” she mumbled, letting go of him and leaving in the direction of her first class without even looking back at her father.

 

~*~

 

Once the last student had left his classroom, Dean sank down into his chair, just staring straight ahead. Today had been the worst so far, and he didn’t even know what made him more moody: the thing with Cas, or the fact that Gracie was mad at him. Since he couldn’t really do anything about Grace’s mood, other than ask for her forgiveness once more and then maybe bribe her with some hot chocolate, Dean’s thoughts quickly wandered towards Cas, papers on his table all but forgotten.

Was it really normal that he was thinking about his friend so much?

Was it normal to constantly want to be close to him? To be saddened when Cas didn’t show in the mornings? Or when he clearly made sure Grace would be ready by the time he showed up at _Luke’s_? Because Dean was sure that was exactly what had happened these past three days. He was sure Cas had told Gracie to get ready whenever he’d seen Dean coming, giving Dean no real reason to enter the diner and be near him when his daughter was already out the door.

“What is happening with me?”

He’d lost count of how many times he’d asked himself that over the last week.

A sudden idea struck Dean, making him sit up straight. If his earlier assumption was correct – if this confusion, all these weird feelings, if they were only because he wanted to be close to Cas as his friend … well maybe he should fight a bit harder to make that happen. And while he was at it, maybe he could check out how he would react to being close to the man. Show his body and his brain that it had just been temporary confusion.

Satisfied with his idea, Dean got to his paperwork to at least see what needed to be taken care of before Monday. It wasn’t as much as he’d feared and soon enough, he was able to finish for the day without feeling guilty.

Hurriedly making his way to the diner, Dean couldn’t hide his little satisfied smile when he found that Gracie wasn’t already packing up. Instead, the two of them seemed to be deeply immersed in conversation – a fact that gave him a warm feeling.

Entering, Dean found Cas’ eyes on him right away, going wide with shock when he saw him. It must have gotten Gracie’s attention because she looked over her shoulder a second later.

“Hey, Daddy. Did you finish early?”

Thank God, at least he was “Daddy” again. Grace also seemed to be in quite a good mood, so maybe his other problem was already solved.

Nodding, he took the few steps to their table. “Yeah, well. It’s the weekend, I just wanted to get out of school. Paperwork will still be there on Monday.”

“But I just ordered another hot chocolate.”

_Perfect!_

Keeping his face neutral and friendly, Dean turned to Cas. “Mind if I sit then while I wait?”

When Cas nodded silently, Dean got himself a chair and put it at the front side of the small table, facing the window. This was it. This was the chance he’d wanted. And he wasn’t solely talking about the “being close to Cas in general”-part. Because this table was way too small and –

The moment Dean sat down, his knee bumped into Cas’. He knew he could move, readjust his sitting position slightly. But this was exactly what Dean had wanted. Some contact between them to show his brain that his body wasn’t reacting at all.

Take that, stupid brain with your weird dreams.

“Dad, guess what? Castiel is going to team up with me for tomorrow’s contest!”

“Really?” Dean replied, puzzled for a moment as he looked at Cas. When the man didn’t say anything, Dean grinned. That certainly explained Grace’s mood change. It also let the warm feeling inside of Dean spread further. Ignoring it, he turned back to his daughter. “Well that’s great. I wouldn’t want you to miss out because of me.”

“Hey, Dean,” Luke interrupted, turning up next to him out of nowhere. “You want something?”

“Yeah, just a coffee,” he ordered, knowing it would help him sit here just a moment longer. As an afterthought, he added, “And their check for today.”

“Alright.”

“Wait, what?” Cas spoke up, but Dean was happy to see Luke ignoring him, listening to Dean’s request. Which led to Cas trying to argue with Dean instead: “Mr. Winchester, that’s not –”

Dean stopped him right away, ignoring the little sting in his heart at the way Cas was _still_ addressing him. “I know you’ve paid for Grace the whole week. It’s my turn now.”

Thankfully – or maybe sadly – Cas had no response, so it appeared there was nothing else left between them to say. In an attempt not to let it get to him, Dean turned to his daughter, who was engaging them both in a conversation about her day and other little things.

The whole time, he tried to stay calm. Tried to really give his daughter the attention she deserved. Tried to ignore the way Cas seemed completely unaffected by Dean being there, other than maybe being annoyed or even uncomfortable.

But mostly, he tried to ignore the warmth that was coming from his knee being pressed into Cas’. Tried to explain the tingling feeling in a rational way.

Tried not to think about last night’s dream and how that, combined with the closeness to the man right now, made his heart speed up.

He didn’t even realize when he finished his coffee, only coming back to reality when Gracie packed up her stuff. Were they ready to leave? Already?

This thought really shouldn’t sadden him as much as it did. It shouldn’t make him want to order his daughter another hot chocolate, just so he would get a few more minutes with Cas. They hadn’t even talked, Dean too distracted by the feeling of Cas against his knee to think about anything to say to the man.

This certainly hadn’t been his plan. No, his plan had been to show himself that that dream had been stupid. That it didn’t mean anything. That he was still only craving Cas’ closeness as a friend and certainly not …

Certainly not ...

He could hear Grace and Cas talking, but it was more like a white noise in his head, and he only snapped out of it when Grace addressed him directly again. “Dad, aren’t you coming?”

“Sure. Was just waiting for you to get ready.”

Thank God he’d been able to say that in a normal voice when his insides were in turmoil. Unable to prolong this any longer, Dean got up, cursing his own body for feeling the loss of Cas’ warmth like a physical pain.

_Maybe I just need to get laid._

The thought blindsided him, but Gracie’s happy voice was enough to keep him focused this time.

“See you tomorrow, Castiel. We’ll beat Uncle Michael and Uncle Gabe.”

“We sure will. See you tomorrow at eleven.”

And just like Monday, Gracie was suddenly gone from his side, Dean completely missing his cue to leave as well.

Unlike Monday, however, Dean knew exactly why he didn’t want to leave just yet.

“See you tomorrow, Cas,” he told the man as calmly as he could, forcing himself to follow his daughter once Cas replied with, “Bye, Mr. Winchester.”

The moment he was out the door, Dean took a shallow breath, needing to keep it together so Gracie wouldn’t notice anything was up.

He seemed to be successful, as his Pumpkin didn’t wait long before she hugged his side, not letting go while they made their way back to the parking lot.

“Sorry for this morning, Dad. I shouldn’t have been angry at you.”

“It’s alright. You had every reason to.”

“Yeah, but I know you didn’t do it on purpose.”

Kissing her head, Dean pulled her a tad closer. “Apology accepted, then. And it looks like you found a good replacement.”

“Daaad,” Grace gasped. “No one will ever replace you.”

“Good to know,” he replied with a happy smile. “But still.”

“Yeah, I think Castiel is pretty awesome. Too bad he doesn’t visit more often. I really like him.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Really?”

Grace’s confused question actually stung, making Dean realized what kind of picture she must have simply based on their rather cold and rare interaction.

Not that he needed to admit he knew her reasoning. “Of course. Why does that confuse you?”

“Just,” Gracie began, apparently searching for words. “I didn’t know that. You always seem to be … _reserved_ when you interact.”

“Ehm, yeah –”

“And he keeps calling you Mr. Winchester. Why does he call you that?”

“Good question,” Dean pressed out, hoping he didn’t sound too bitter. They finally reached the car and got inside, Dean hoping the topic would be over. Soon enough, he realized that that wasn’t the case, because Gracie was looking at him as if she was expecting more to his answer. “Look, I don’t know, okay?” He had a pretty good guess, but he wasn’t telling his daughter about that. “You would need to ask him.”

“Okay.”

He should probably have wondered why Gracie was giving in so quickly, but it was explained within seconds when she started talking about tomorrow’s contest again, the excitement in her voice addictive. For the rest of the drive, Dean couldn’t stop grinning about his daughter’s happiness, all thoughts about Cas pushed aside.

 

~*~

 

“Hey, Sammy. What’s up?”

_“Hi. Eileen got an email this morning, informing her that there was a change with the judges for the snowman contest tomorrow. Is it true you’re one of them now?”_

Dean sighed while he put away the Italian herbs, quickly getting back to the red sauce on the stove to stir it. “Yeah, it’s true. Looks like Lulu is sick.”

_“So, why you?”_

“You know Taylor’s OCD. Lulu’s a teacher, and since there always needs to be a teacher on the judge’s panel …”

_“You were next in line.”_

“Yeah, next year would have been my turn. I’d already forgotten about that,” he admitted, checking on the pasta.

There was some rustling on the phone on Sam’s end before his brother spoke again. _“How’s Gracie handling it? Disappointed? You know, I could_ – _”_

“No offense, Sammy, but we both know how you are with snow.”

_“Hey, I would give it my best, you know that. For Gracie, I would try.”_

Smiling at his brother’s comment, Dean stopped the teasing. “I know. But it’s actually not necessary. She … uh … she already found someone.”

_“Really?”_ Sam asked and Dean prayed against all hope that the next question wouldn’t – _“Who?”_

_Damn it._

“Ehm … Cas.”

_“Cas? As … as in Castiel James, Michael’s brother?”_

“How many other Cas’ do we know?”

_“Woah, Dean. No reason to bite my head off.”_

“I’m not –” Dean stopped himself, realizing right away that he wouldn’t sound very convincing if he was snapping at Sam. Taking a deep breath, he tried again, forcing himself to stay calm. “I’m not biting your head off, Sam.”

_“Guess I should ask how_ you _are handling it.”_

“What?”

_“Are you pissed she’s joining with Cas?”_

“ _What?_ No,” he replied with a bit more force than strictly necessary. “Why would you think that?”

_“Just … I don’t know. You seem to be off a bit.”_

“I’m fine, Sam.”

_“Alright.”_

When Sam didn’t continue to speak, Dean rolled his eyes, knowing his brother was waiting for him to break and share all his feelings or some shit. Yeah, as if that was ever going to happen.

“Sammy, I gotta go. Dinner’s ready. Give my love to Eileen.”

“‘kay, yeah. Bye.”

Ignoring the disappointed tone, Dean simply ended the phone call and turned back to preparing dinner.

 

~*~

 

_Maybe I just need to get laid._

The thought came back to him later that night while he was staring at the shadowy pattern on the roof above his bed once more. It really had been a while. After Lisa’s death, there’d just never been an opportunity.

Well, okay, that was a lie. There had been plenty of opportunities, but Dean had never really felt it. It was weird, actually, thinking about it now. He’d been with so many girls during his teenage years and all the way through college right up until he’d met Lisa. Yet after she’d been gone, he’d never even really tried.

Quietly, Dean got up and made his way to the living room where his laptop stood. Checking on Grace on the way back, he found her sound asleep. Good. After a little detour to his office to get his headphones, Dean made his way back to his bedroom, quietly closing and locking the door.

Once he was comfortably back in his bed with his headphones on, he booted up his laptop and opened an incognito internet window, not needing long to find a porn site he liked. Searching around for a bit, he finally found a promising video and clicked on it, leaning back into his soft pillows. The girls’ moans sounded as fake as ever, but for the moment they brought the desired result: Dean’s dick taking an interest.

The porn wasn’t the worst he’d ever seen, but it also wasn’t the best. Not that it mattered. It only took a few minutes for him to get him fully hard and then a few more to really let go and sink into the feeling of his hand around his dick, jerking himself off rough and quick.

He came before the porn was even finished, trying to ignore how he didn’t feel satisfied in the slightest.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for this being late :/ didn't have the best of weeks. Hope you can forgive me <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What a good thing to have friends to talk to in your life - what a bad thing to have gossiping people in your life as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time, we'll hear a bit Spanish - once again, translations are there as "hover overs" as well as in the end note.

_When your heart speaks, take good notes_

~ Judith Campbell

 

The only reason for Dean to get up and go for his ride on Saturday morning was the thought that maybe now, on the weekend, Cas might go for a run again. It was stupid, he knew that, but he still couldn’t stop his heart from hoping.

He also still hadn’t found a way to stop his heart from hurting whenever he passed the crossroads that would lead him back home without a single sign of the man.

The constant bad mood hung over him like the sword of Damocles and he needed to really pull himself out of it when, just on time, the Skype ringtone called him to the couch.

“ _Buenos días._ ”

“ _Hola,_ Charlie,” he replied, settling down and giving the redhead a small smile. “Hey, Jo, how’re you holding up with the crazy woman by your side?”

“Hey!” Charlie called out, lightly smacking her wife when the blonde started laughing.

Jo just caught her hand and held it still. “I’m fine. She’s actually calming down a bit.”

“You two are so mean.”

Dean was sure his lips quirked up into a little smile. Nevertheless, both of his friends grew serious right away.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” was his automatic reply.

Jo gave him a hard glare. “You wanna play this game and tell us anyway in the end? Or do you want to skip the bullshit and come out right away.”

His effort not to flinch at her choice of words was in vain, but he had high hopes that the girls would wave it off as him being seriously scolded. Besides that, Jo was right. He could cry and kick and pout – in the end, these two always got him to talk. And he should get it over with before Gracie woke up and stumbled into the room.

“So, ehm. Yesterday, Taylor told me I had to jump in as judge for the snowman contest.”

“Oh no,” Charlie exclaimed right away. “But you and Gracie –”

“Yeah. But I guess it’s okay,” he replied, hoping they would buy that he was just saddened he couldn’t join in with his daughter. Which he was, of course … it just wasn’t the whole truth. And since they would find out anyway, and he really didn’t want them to come up with some absurd reason why he’d withheld this information, he quickly added: “Cas is jumping in, so no harm done on Gracie’s part.”

“Oh, that’s nice of him.”

“Yeah, seems they really are becoming friends.”

That made him squint. “You know about that?”

“Duh. You think we’re not staying in contact with Gracie just because we’re in Europe?”

Well, that probably made sense. Sipping his tea, Dean noticed too late that Jo still had her scrutinizing gaze on full power

“So,” she finally said, her tone telling Dean right away that she wasn’t buying any of his shit. “Is this the only reason you’re in a bad mood?”

Sometimes, it was a really bad thing to have friends that knew one so well. Sighing, Dean looked over his shoulder in the direction of the hallway. It was still quiet, no sign of his daughter. Should he really do this?

“Winchester.”

The tone was full of warning and sometimes Dean wondered if these two got up to kinky stuff with Jo as a dom. She would make a perfect dom.

_Okay, one more thing to never, ever think about ever again._

He cleared his throat, leaned forward, and put his mug down. Not looking at the girls, Dean chose to instead keep his gaze on his hands, loosely folded between his legs. “Jo … how … how did it …”

_Goddamnit._

Once more, he cleared his throat, before finally forcing it out. “How did it start? For you, I mean.”

“Ehhhm, could you be a tad more specific?”

Damn, he’d been sure he’d been specific enough. As quietly as he could, he whispered: “The thing with Charlie.”

There was silence on both sides, Dean not daring to look up and into the camera. He still caught some movement and figured the girls were looking at each other, probably wondering if Dean had gone crazy.

When Jo spoke again, her voice was soft, nothing left of the hard edge that had been there earlier. “Slowly, to be honest. First, I would just seek out her company, thinking it was normal. She was my friend after all, right?”

Dean nodded, remembering that time. Right now, he couldn’t even put into words how grateful he was for his friend not asking why he wanted to know.

Yet.

“But soon, her touches seemed to be more intense whenever they happened. And I started dreaming about her. The dreams quickly got … more steamy, so to speak. I needed some time to realize that it wasn’t me being confused. It was me finally seeing more clearly than ever. I _wanted_ these things.”

“What did you do?” His voice was so small it was a miracle Jo heard him at all.

“I started exploring. First with videos, then by looking at the women around me more closely.” There was a low growl and a smacking sound. Without checking, Dean could only guess that Charlie had shown what exactly she thought about Jo checking out other women and Jo must have stopped her. Without a hitch, she went on. “I didn’t need long to realize that other women didn’t interest me in the slightest. Like, not at all. They were nice and I could honestly admit when I thought they were beautiful – but there was never any sexual note behind it. Except for Charlie. She … she was my only exception and I knew I wanted to explore it. With her.”

Of course, Dean knew some parts of this. He’d been the one Jo had opened up to first when she’d been confused about her sexuality. He just hadn’t known all these details.

They made him rethink his own process so far.

Wanting to be close to Cas.

Chalking it up to wanting to be his friend again.

His leg tingling when it had touched Cas’.

The dreams about the man.

The dreams that had gotten somewhat steamy two nights ago. Not really, of course, but … had that been a start?

“ _Dean._ ”

“What?”

His head jerked up and when he found both women looking at him with concerned gazes, he realized he must have spaced out for a moment. No way they weren’t on to him now.

“Wanna tell us what this is about?”

“I … I don’t know, actually.” Which honestly wasn’t even a lie. He was … confused. Yeah, confused. More than anything.

“Is this about Cas?”

He knew the moment he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, hesitating for just a moment too long, that he didn’t need to answer anymore. His silence was confirmation enough.

“Dean –”

A door down the hallway opened and Dean’s eyes went wide, a pleading look directed at his friends. They both nodded just before Gracie entered the room. Contrary to any regular Saturday, she was wide awake. “ _Buenos días Tía Charlie, hola Tía Jo,_ ” she greeted them, before giving her dad a kiss on his cheek and then snuggling up on the couch. “How is Spain?”

“ _Hola cariño._ And it’s _maravilloso._ ”

“Awesome,” Gracie replied with a wide grin. “I got your postcard from Lisbon. Really looks amazing there. Where do you like it more?”

While Charlie and Gracie babbled on, Dean tried to mull over Jo’s words. What did she say had been her next steps? Starting to explore? Maybe he should do that as well. Or maybe he should ask Sam and Eileen to take Grace tonight so he could get to Hartford. Get to a club and …

And what?

Thinking about it, Dean had absolutely no desire to find a random woman for a quick hookup.

Maybe he was just sick.

He did register when the talk going on turned towards the snowman contest, but he still didn’t jump in, letting his daughter enjoy the call with her aunts until she had to leave to get ready. After all, she wanted to be at the square in about an hour.

The bathroom door wasn’t even fully closed when Dean could already feel the burning gazes of Jo and Charlie back on him.

Sighing, he beat them to talking. “Look, I know what you want to ask and … I just don’t know, okay? I heard what you told me, Jo, and I’m grateful. I’ll just … I guess I’ll just see what happens or whatever.”

The silence was long enough for Dean to finally look back at them. Only then did Jo reply. “Okay.”

“Really? That’s all? ‘Okay’?”

“Yeah. This is more than I ever thought you would admit, so guess I’ll just count it as a good start.”

“She’s right,” Charlie went on, her gaze just as serious as Jo’s. “But promise that you’ll call if you need us. No matter the time and no matter if it’s just to talk or to get our advice.”

“Exactly. Always remember: I’ve been through whatever you’re going through right now. Even if in the end you’ll find out it’s nothing. Just a passing confusion. Just an itch, whatever. We’re still here to help you through it.”

“Thanks,” he whispered, still deep in thoughts. So deep, in fact, he couldn’t even remember saying goodbye to the girls. He would just text them later.

Getting Gracie ready this morning was easy because she was done and out the door before he’d even pulled on his boots. Maybe he should feel jealous that she was so excited about joining the contest when it was someone else by her side, but he simply didn’t. If at all, her excitement and happiness as well as knowing that Cas was the one who was making her so happy … yeah, damn, it warmed his heart. Seemed like he really did need to follow Jo’s advice and _explore_ – whatever the hell that meant. He’d tried to suppress his feelings for over a week now and it had let him nowhere.

_You sure it has only been a week?_

The sudden thought terrified Dean to no end, letting him grip the steering wheel tightly. Why was his damn brain such a jerk lately? Bringing up crap he was trying not to think about. Had thought long forgotten.

Giving Grace a kiss goodbye once they’d gotten out of the car, Dean made sure people he knew were wandering around the square. Technically, he wasn’t allowed to be here, but he’d be damned if he would leave his Pumpkin alone without checking that she’d be okay. Of course, he didn’t need to worry. Not in Stars Hollow.

Still, he only left once he saw Grace hugging Michael in greeting, waving shortly at his best friend. Right, he’d almost forgotten about that. Michael and Gabe were joining in as well. Satisfied, he made his way over to Luke’s diner, the only place the judges were allowed to stay during the contest.

“Morning,” he greeted, as he pulled up a chair to the table the judges had gathered around. “How’s everyone doing?”

Some murmurs were heard, but the others quickly went back to their own conversations. Only Eileen turned towards him, her eyes becoming slightly smaller as she gave him a scrutinizing look.

_*You okay?*_

Thinking about it for a moment, Dean shook his head minutely. _*No. There’s some stuff I have to figure out. Don’t tell Sam.*_

_*Of course not,*_ she signed back right away. After just a moment of hesitation, she added: _*Can I help you somehow?*_

Taking a deep breath, Dean waved towards Caesar, the chef of the diner, because Luke was nowhere to be seen, before giving his answer. _*I’m not sure, actually. I guess it’s just one of these things I have to figure out on my own.*_

_*Okay.*_

When Caesar appeared, Dean ordered himself some pie and coffee. Maybe after his favorite food, the world would look different. He was halfway through devouring the delicious cherry pie when he realized Eileen’s eyes had never left him, still boring into his soul. Not shying away from her gaze, he hoped it would get her off his agenda.

By now, he really should know better with the women in his life.

_*This doesn’t happen to be about Castiel, right?*_

Why was the cherry pie suddenly tasting dull? Oh hell no, Cas would _not_ take away his appetite. No way. Shoving a way too full fork into his mouth, he munched on it, finally swallowing it down.

Yep, still tasting dull.

_Goddamnit._

With an annoyed groan, he dropped the fork and pushed the plate away from him, leaning on the table before realizing he needed his hands to sign back to his sister-in-law. Making sure the other judges were still immersed in their conversations, Dean turned to Eileen. The last thing he needed was for Patty to catch a word of what he was going to tell Eileen now, so he kept his hands low.

_*It is, yes. I’m … confused. And it hurts that he hates me so damn much.*_

_*He doesn’t hate you.*_

_*Oh, yes. He does. Trust me, I can tell.*_

_*Dean,*_ Eileen began, before shortly reaching for his hand with both of hers. He hadn’t even realized that he hadn’t been able to look her in the eye, but he did now. As soon as she had his full attention again, she let go of his hand and continued to sign. _*He doesn’t hate you. He’s just … trying not to get hurt again.*_

_*Has Sam told you about our past?*_

_*Yes. And I’ve spoken some to Castiel about it_ – _*_

“Eileen,” he exclaimed, completely forgetting not to draw attention to them. Too late now, as the other judges turned their way. Thankfully, Eileen must have caught the movement as she was looking up as well.

“I …” she mumbled, before letting out a laugh, leaving Dean completely confused. Especially when she lightly smacked his arm with the back of her hand. “I was just kidding. Of course I know you won’t favor your daughter in this contest.”

“Oh, oh. Do we need to keep an eye on you, boy,” Miss Patty was the first to speak, the whole panel of judges chuckling.

Smiling nervously, Dean brushed a hand over his neck. “Course not. May the best snowman win, and all that.”

Just like that, the conversation turned into a big one with everybody at the table involved and Dean thanked the Gods for Eileen’s quick thinking.

They’d all gotten lists with the competitors beforehand and were talking about them now. Dean’s name was already switched out for Cas’ – Taylor was nothing if not thorough, even though Dean had no idea how he’d found out about Cas joining. Maybe he had cameras in Luke’s diner?

Yeah, certainly something he wouldn’t put past the man.

It didn’t say on the list what the teams wanted to build, but they would find out soon enough.

Time passed quicker than Dean would have thought possible, Eileen and him not getting another chance to talk on their own. He wasn't quite sure if he should be relieved about that or not. He was certainly curious what Eileen had been talking with Cas about them.

It was actually Dean that caught the time, making the rest of the judges aware that they should be going. He might have been able to get a minute alone with Eileen while they were walking around the square, inspecting every snowman closely. But the chance of someone catching their hand movements was too high for Dean to be comfortable with.

Instead, he focused on the snowmen. If Grace and Cas were going to win, Dean wanted to have a clean conscious. He wanted to be able to honestly say theirs had been better than all the other ones.

Of course he knew when they were standing in front of Cas and Grace’s, hardly able to keep from smiling. What a wonderful lumberjack, even better than the one Gracie and he had planned during practice. He was wondering how much of this had been Cas’ influence while Miss Patty already raved over the little details. Like the beard or the little twigs sticking out of the beanie like strands of hair. It quickly got a ten from all of them, and Dean was glad he didn't have to defend giving his daughter’s snowman the highest points.

He liked Michael and Gabe’s Fallen Angel as well, even though he was pretty sure it hadn’t been their original plan. Not that he would ever know for sure – the three of them might be friends, but when it came to things like these contests, their friendship ended, the design of their snowman a well kept secret. But he knew his friends well enough and if he had to guess, he would have bet that they’d tried to build a real angel. Not one with broken wings, but oh well.

Dean certainly wasn’t gleeful when his friends got high points, but not high enough to beat Gracie and Cas. Nope, certainly not the reason he was smiling for the rest of the way around the square.

 

~*~

 

It took them way over half an hour to go around the field and judge all the art presented to them, the others taking a lot of time to judge every little detail. Until earlier when they’d gone over the list, he hadn't known some of his students had joined in as well. Now he was happy to see all the amazing designs they had come up with. Sadly, none of them scored high enough to get at the top of their list, but he would make sure to let them know they'd still scored high and done an awesome job.

Finally done, they made their way to the stage, Eileen nudging him in his ribs as he tried to rein in his smile. It was harder than he thought and he gave up after a while, just bathing in this happy feelings.

Especially, when he realized that Cas would have to come up here and shake his hand. Was that childish? The fact that he enjoyed the thought of coming close to Cas again?

Probably.

But who cared?

Certainly not him anymore.

He spaced out on Taylor announcing the third place, only just coming back when Gabe celebrated the second place as if they had won. He knew his friend would love the gift certificate for $50 at _Taylor Doose's Soda Shoppe_ , and was pretty sure Michael wouldn’t see a single cent of that money. When the men came to the stage, he shook their hands, clapping Michael on the shoulder.

“Better luck next year, buddy.”

“Don’t pretend like you’re not enjoying this, Winchester,” Michael replied, fixing him with a stern gaze.

Dean’s smile grew wider in reply. “No reason to pretend. I’m totally enjoying this.”

Michael rolled his eyes – his very sophisticated way of flipping Dean off – moving on to Eileen when Dean just chuckled.

Tomorrow, they would drink a whiskey together and the rivalry would be forgotten. At least until the next contest.

Then it finally was time for the winners to be announced. “This year’s first place won with a huge advance over the second place.” Dean suppressed the eye roll. Yeah, so they had a little bit more points than the second place, but did Taylor really have to overdo it that much? “The prize is a $100 gift certificate for _Luke’s Diner_ – now that’s a lot of pies and sweets, Gabriel,” Taylor added, turning back to Gabe and just like the rest, Dean couldn’t keep in his laughter at seeing his friend pouting. “And the winning snowman is … The Lumberjack Snowman from Gracie Winchester and Castiel James.”

Seeing his daughter hugging Cas to an inch of his life before smacking a kiss on his cheek and then taking his hand to pull him over to the stage – it all made Dean’s smile grow impossibly wide. He was sure his face would be hurting later but he’d stopped caring about all that somewhere along the way. Instead, he clapped along with the others as first Gracie, then Cas entered the stage. Grace had a mock-serious gaze on her face and Dean quickly schooled his own to match his daughter’s, making the crowd laugh. But hey, if his Pumpkin wanted to make this a serious affair, who was he to deny her.

And then Cas was standing right in front of him. Instantly, the mock seriousness was gone, Dean’s smile back in full force. Cas’ face was red from the cold, his striking blue eyes all the more intense because of it.

Not hesitating, Dean held out his hand as he’d done with all the others. “Congratulations, Cas.”

“Thank you, Mr. Winchester.”

Cas’ reply sounded somewhat forced, but the happy smile was still on his lips and it gave Dean a smidgen of hope. He wasn’t willing to let go of the man just yet, too captivated by his eyes, and as it seemed, Cas wasn’t rushing either. Just like the day before, the tingling where they were touching was almost driving him crazy. Maybe even more this time, since it was skin on skin.

Yet, no moment could last forever, and all too soon the smooth warmth of Cas’ skin was gone, the loss of the contact once more like a physical pain. One not even a deep breath and the fluttering of his heart was able to chase away.

 

~*~

 

Dean had always loved Stars Hollow in winter. The town was beautiful every moment of the year, but winter time simply had something magical. The snow, the fairy lights, the smells in the air, the happy chatter. It was amazing.

While he enjoyed his warm drink and listened to his daughter babbling happily about their snowman, he let his eyes wander. Cas was in deep conversation with Eileen, the two seeming to have bonded. After Eileen’s earlier comment, Dean actually wondered what they were talking about now, yet the thought of Cas getting along with his family still made Dean happy. He couldn’t stop thinking how well he would probably get along with Charlie and Jo as well.

The sudden thought of his two friends brought this morning’s conversation back to him. _I started exploring. First with videos, then by looking at the women around me more closely._

There certainly were enough guys around him at the moment, and Dean hoped no one would notice his ears burning up as he suddenly looked at them with different eyes.

_This is wrong. This is so wrong._

He was by no means homophobic; the times that his father was able to control his thoughts that much were long gone. But still, these were his friends, and most of them were taken. All of them actually, except for Cas.

Not thinking about any of that, Dean finally let his eyes wander away from Cas’ lips, really looking at the men all around their table. Of course there was Chuck, which – yeah no, he certainly didn’t have a daddy kink, thank you very much. Anna’s husband Crowley was just a few short years older than Dean, but imagining anything with him … Dean quickly took a sip of his eggnog, moving on before he would throw up. Rebecca’s husband Bart had joined the family this weekend, just like Inias’ fiancé Gadreel. They both certainly were handsome guys – in a completely platonic, matter-of-fact kind of way. Meaning Dean could see why Cas’ siblings were drawn to their significant others, but he certainly didn’t feel anything while looking at them.

Skipping his own brother because _yikes,_ that only left the Shurley brothers.

Gabe – nope. Nice guy, and Dean certainly liked him. But no.

Inias – well, yeah he certainly was good looking and he had some of Cas’ dorkiness. But again, no feelings that Dean could think of.

Michael – that was almost as weird as looking at his own brother this way, so Dean tried to move on quickly. Yet, not without his brain making a side note that it was the one Shurley bother that came the closest to Cas. And still, absolutely no reaction from Dean’s side.

And then, there was Cas.

Laughing at something Eileen had just signed, Cas was almost breathtaking.

_Beautiful._

The thought hit Dean and punched all the air out of his lungs.

Cas was beautiful, there was no denying that. And it wasn’t even the first time Dean realized it. He’d known it all these years ago as well. Had always thought of Cas that way, even while still a pit pudgy, wearing nerdy sweaters.

He’d always known it, had just never been able to name it.

_Fuck._

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

“Okay, next round’s on me,” he heard himself call out before his mind would drive him crazy. He needed time to think about this realization and in the middle of a happy family gathering was certainly not the moment to do so. “Just a refill for everybody or something else?”

“Nothing for me, actually,” Rebecca replied. “I think I need to go home. Honey, you want to stay?”

Bart shook his head, holding his pregnant wife close. “Of course not. I’m still beat from the flight anyway. Let’s head home.”

It seemed like Anna and Crowley were joining them, saying something about their kids getting tired, but the rest stayed and ordered refills from Dean.

Michael offered to help and even though Dean had a foreshadowing feeling about it, he couldn’t really say no, seeing how there were way too many drinks to be carried. His gut feeling had been right, however. They’d hardly left their group when Michael started talking.

“So. Still okay, my friend?”

“Never been better,” Dean lied smoothly.

Michael grunted, stopping next to Dean in line. “You’ve been a bit off, ever since …”

“Ever since _what_ , Michael?” he challenged, maybe just out of spite. He just wanted to see if his friend had the guts to actually say it.

Seemed like he had. “Ever since my brother’s been back.”

Turning forwards, Dean hoped the line would move faster.

“Look, Dean. I know you might think it’s none of my business –”

“Yeah, you’re right. And that’s because it _is_ none of your business.”

“Yeah, sorry, I see that a bit differently.”

“How so?”

“Because this is my _brother_ we’re talking about. And you idiot aren’t that unimportant to me either, okay?”

Dean was about to make a mocking reply when someone bumped right into him, knocking him against Michael.

“Whoops, sorry, Mr. Winchester.”

“No problem, girls,” he replied, giving Krissy and Ava a smile. That was, until he saw the slightly reddened cheeks and wide grins. “Have you been drinking?”

“What? Mr. Winchester, of course not!”

When the girls calmed down right away, he quickly realized they’d just been hyped and overexcited. Still, he put on his teacher-voice. “Alright, sorry. Just make sure to calm down a bit, okay? Don’t want to see you two getting hurt.” Yeah, no matter what, he would always be concerned for his students’ well-being.

“Okay,” they both replied quietly, before smiling a bit again, leaving Dean’s side. Once they were gone, he sighed. They weren’t intoxicated, he was sure of that. Otherwise he would have gone after them and made sure they got home safe. “Dean?”

“Yeah?”

Turning around, Dean saw that it was their turn. They put in their order and managed to handle all the mugs just so while making their way back. It was the weird atmosphere that suddenly gave Dean the feeling of walking right into a nightmare. It had gotten somewhat quiet around their area, except for two voices sticking out very clearly, and very tipsy.

“Poor thing probably doesn’t know what he did.”

He had no idea how, had no context to go on – and yet, he knew _exactly_ what Patty and her friend Babette were talking about.

“You think little Gracie would still be friends with him if she knew?”

_No. Nononono. Don’t._

“You mean if she knew that she almost wouldn’t exist because Castiel tried to stop her parents’ wedding? I don’t think so –”

“PATTY! BABETTE!”

Dean couldn’t remember ever being so enraged in his entire life. How dare they? How _could_ they?

The women’s eyes landed on him and he had a hard time keeping himself from throwing his mugs in their direction. A moment later, they turned around, apparently for the first time becoming aware of who they were standing close to. “Oh dear.”

“Castiel, what –?”

The broken question of his daughter almost made him lose it. But in the end, it was the deep, deep hurt in Cas’ eyes that broke him. When their gazes locked, he was immediately thrown back thirteen years.

_Devastated blue eyes._

_Quivering lips._

_“Dean, please … please don’t do it!”_

As if in a horrible déjà vu, he saw the tears well up in Cas’ eyes, just before the man bowed his head, turned around, and ran.

Ran away.

Ran away from him, just like thirteen years ago.

“Cas!”

A hand on his upper arm held him back, Dean not even realizing he’d been moving. He’d also not noticed Michael getting rid of the mugs in his hands. He hardly noticed anything except for the pain in his chest and this indescribable need of following Cas, catching him, soothing him. Taking away his pain.

“Dean! Get it together,” Michael murmured harshly into his ear, pushing him in another direction than Dean wanted to go. Needed to go. Why was he doing that? “ _Dean!_ Go to Gracie.”

“What?” he whispered back, his friend not making sense at all.

Once again, there was a push against his arm. “Your daughter needs you. Go! I’ll take care of Cas.”

Gracie needed him?

Looking back to their table, Dean’s heart squeezed painfully as he saw his daughter in tears. Not hesitating another moment, he rushed forward, putting the mugs on the table somewhere along the way. Gracie was in his arms in a heartbeat, shaking like a leaf. “Dad, what’s happening?”

“It will be alright. Don’t worry, Sweetie.”

Pressing her close to him, he was contemplating leaving, getting them out of this throng of people, when none other than Patty spoke up.

“Dean, I’m so sorry.”

Anger boiled up in him.

“Are you happy now?” he bit back acidly. “Is this what you wanted?”

“Dean …”

He hadn’t even realized how completely silent it had gone all around them, but he didn’t care. He was furious and the only reason he hadn’t already exploded was his daughter pressed against him. But it didn’t keep him from snapping at the women.

“You gossiping harpies! I’ve told you: Stop judging Cas for what he did! He’s certainly been braver than you’ll ever be.”

Lifting Gracie, he held her in his arms – not an easy task with how tall she’d gotten, but he still managed, especially because she was clinging to him like a koala bear.

“And the next time I hear _anyone_ gossiping about him or my _daughter_ , I swear to God there will be hell to pay! Am I clear?”

When Patty and Babette nodded, as well as some people around them, Dean turned, carrying his crying daughter to his car. The crowd parted like the Red Sea, no one daring to even say a word.

 

~*~

 

He never thought he’d ever have this conversation with Grace. Never thought she’d ever find about about her parents’ wedding day. He’d probably been naive, knowing that the chances had always been high. Hell, there was a whole article in the Stars Hollow Gazette, published the day after Christmas, the incident the leading story of that day. Dean had been furious when he’d seen it once he’d returned from their honeymoon, even thinking about suing the newspaper. Michael had asked him not to, reasoning that it would only keep the story in the spotlight for weeks, if not even months to come.

But even with all this, Dean had still somehow hoped Gracie would never find out. Especially since she’d become friends with Cas, because this was certainly the one question he’d never wanted to hear her ask: “So … is it true I almost wouldn’t have been here? That … that Cas almost prevented me being born?”

“No. No, Gracie, never.” He knelt down in front of her, putting his hands on her knees. After the initial desire to just get away from the crowd, Dean had stopped the car a few blocks over and had made his way to the passenger side so he could talk to his daughter face to face. “Promise me you’ll never listen to any of these rumors.”

“But … but it’s true, isn’t it? He _did_ try to stop the wedding.”

“Yes. It is. But, Sweetheart,” he began, taking her face in his hand to softly brush away a tear with his thumb. “You would have been born either way.”

That got her attention.

“And, no one ever knows the future. So please, don’t ever think Cas did what he did back then so you wouldn’t be born, okay? He really likes you, I know that.”

“How? You never talk to him.”

“But I can see how he is with you. Do you really think I would let you sit with him at _Luke’s_ every day if I wasn’t sure he’s nice to you?”

Shrugging her shoulder and sniffing, Gracie didn’t reply, apparently deep in thought. He hated this. Hated not being able to take away her pain.

“What did you mean, I would have been born either way?”

“Well, you remember we already talked about the birds and the bees, right?”

“Dad, don’t call it that,” she replied, slightly annoyed.

Smiling softly, he brushed against her cheek again, the tears slowly coming to an end. “Sorry. What I meant is that you were already on the way, okay?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Dean replied, ears burning slightly. Not really a topic he’d wanted to discuss with his kid. At least not at such a young age.

“Did … did you marry mom … because of _me_?”

“What? Oh God, no. No Gracie, don’t think that.” Leaning up, Dean pulled her into a hug, neither of them caring for the awkward angle. “I loved your mother. I still do.”

“And Cas?”

“What about Cas?”

“Why … why did he try it?”

This was getting harder with every minute. “Remember how I once told you how brave it is to tell somebody what you really feel?” When she nodded, Dean needed a moment to find the right words to go on. “I was talking about Cas back then. He … he had a crush on me when he was younger.”

“On _you_?”

“Yeah. But that was a long time ago, okay? So please – don’t judge him for what he did. Or if you have to, always remember what I’ve told you: that it takes a lot of bravery to do what he did. To tell someone what you feel, even though it’s already too late.”

At that, Gracie nodded for a long moment, apparently once again deep in thought. Suddenly, her head snapped up.

“Oh no.”

“What?”

“Cas. He must be so hurt by people talking about him. And in such a mean way.”

“I … yeah, I guess he is.” There wasn’t much guessing to do. Not after he’d seen him run away. God, he hoped Michael had gotten to him before he could do something stupid.

Gracie’s hands were on his shoulders. “Dad, can we drive over to Cas? Please? I want to talk to him. I want to see if he’s doing alright.”

“But –”

“Please?”

Searching his daughter’s pleading eyes, what other answer could he have given but: “Okay.”

 

~*~

 

Lying in bed that night, Dean knew he wouldn’t get any rest at all. He’d been waiting downstairs while Grace had been with Cas. He might have gone upstairs himself if it hadn’t been for Michael, asking him to give his brother some space.

It had nearly killed him, but Dean also understood Michael’s reasoning. He was just watching out for his brother, Dean knew. He would have done the same for Sam.

Didn’t mean it didn’t kill him from the inside. Especially, when Michael had confessed that Cas was packing, thinking about leaving.

Thank God for whatever Gracie had said to him, as it seemed she’d been able to make him promise to stay.

But still.

This terrible déjà vu.

Cas running away from him and Dean not able to stop him.

Closing his eyes, he willed the memories of teary blue eyes to go away. He’d almost lost Cas a second time today and it was eating him up from the inside. Like a physical pain. A heavy knot inside of his stomach, getting bigger and bigger.

He might not have lost him today, but Dean knew that in just three weeks, Cas would be gone again. Would leave for his life back in New York. The thought made him want to scream, tearing at his heart.

He didn’t want Cas to go.

He didn’t want to lose him.

Not again.

Not ever again.

Curling up into a ball, Dean tried to find some sleep before he would lose his mind.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spanish translation:  
>  _buenos días_ = good morning  
>  _hola_ = hello  
>  _Buenos días Tía Charlie, hola Tía Jo_ = Good morning Aunt Charlie, hello Aunt Jo  
>  _Hola cariño_ = Hello honey  
>  _maravilloso_ = marvelous
> 
> (In case you speak Spanish and something doesn't make sense, please let me know. I had to use google translator this time ^^")
> 
> I swear I'll be able to get back to my original plan ;) thanks everybody for being such faithful readers <3


End file.
